Naruto Ficlets
by Asuka Kureru
Summary: Short,unrelated stories.Gen, crack pairings.Varying ratings. So far NaruShika,HinaKure,Gai'n'Lee gen,NaruIta, NaruSasu,Tsunade gen,NaruSaku,NejiNaru,NaruSasu,Team7,SaiVSSasu,ItaNejiSasu,NaruKiba, Kakashi gen,NaruIno,AsuKaka,ItaSasu,NaruHina...
1. Shika, Naruto and a library

_I like yaoi. I like het. I like gen. (I really need to start writing some yuri as well.) These will all be labeled. Don't complain, I'll only laugh at you. ;-)_

_These are a collection of **unrelated **snippets or very short stories. Subject are random, as are pairings, ratings, moods and main characters. Sometimes they're humor, sometimes they're serious, sometimes they're dark, sometimes they're total crack that makes no sense but I really needed to get it out of my head._

_Most of the time they're born from challenges given by friends over at my LiveJournal. __I only accept challenge when I'm actually asking for them in a post, which is only when I feel like it. :p Please don't request at random. __

* * *

_

_Jamjar__ asked for NaruShika and a library. I gotta say, it's one subtle NaruShika. Don't blink. XD_

* * *

"Well, well. Didn't expect to find you here." 

Naruto looks up from where he's kneeling, looking through the lowest shelf of the bookcase. Shikamaru is standing there, hands in his pockets, watching him with one eyebrow arched in that half-sarcastic, half-uncaring way of his.

"What, I can't be in the library? You think I can't read or something?"

Naruto pulls a red leather-covered book out, frowns at it, opens it quickly to scan the pages, then, disgruntled, puts it back and takes another one.

Shikamaru winces. "Didn't say that. It's just that at this hour, I'd expect you to be trying to con your lunch out of someone."

"Hey! You say that as if I never pay for my own meals, or something." Naruto looks offended, but there's a glimmer of amusement in his blue eyes as he mock-glares at Shikamaru. He has invited himself several times in the last month. "So, what are YOU doing here?"

"What, you think I can't read or something?" Shikamaru replies, leaning against the bookcase and watching Naruto pull out another book, check it, put it back.

"Nah, just thought you were too lazy to be bothered even just lifting one. These things are heavy, after all." Naruto grins up, and nudges Shikamaru's leg as he crawls forward to reach the books at the end of the shelf. "Unless, of course, you're here so you can tell your mom that you did something else than watch the clouds today."

Shikamaru snorts. "You got me. So, have you found your free ramen ticket yet?"

Naruto gapes at him for a second, then laughs, ruffling his short spikes ruefully. "Heh. Not yet. I swear the librarian must have thrown it away when I returned that book." Sighing, he sits back on his heels, shoulders slumping slightly. His stomach rumbles. "I'm never going to find it. Say, Shika...?"

Shikamaru pushes off the bookcase with his hip, hands still in his pockets. "Fine, fine."

Naruto jumps on his feet and bounces after him, grinning. "You're the best! I'll swear to your mom you spent the whole afternoon here."

"As if she'd believe YOU were around long enough to vouch for that."

They walk out of the library, bickering amiably.

A free ramen ticket slips out of the red book.


	2. Kurenai,Asuma,Kakashi,crushes and a bar

_Edenfalling__/ Elizabeth Culmer :rubs hands evilly: Okay, I am going to MAKE you write something about Kurenai. In which, during the three years Naruto is gone, she's helping Hinata build her newfound confidence, and Hinata then develops a crush on her and timidly reveals it, and Kurenai is all WTF? and then you can decide what happens._

* * *

Kurenai fell on her bar stool with a gracelessness Asuma would have expected to see at the end of the evening, not at the beginning. She barely acknowledged them, immediately catching the barman's eye and demanding quietly to be served.

"Planning on getting drunk tonight? It was Asuma's turn," Kakashi commented from Asuma's other side.

Asuma shrugged. "I can pass it over. Next week can be mine."

"But it means I'll have to wait until the week after that."

"And?"

"I'll be coming back from a week of diplomatic missions."

They kept debating. Kurenai emptied her glass, and then a second one.

After the third, they grew concerned enough to steal her glass and blackmail her into telling them what her problem was.

"Guys... have either of your kids ever..."

She was looking so uncomfortable, it could only be for one reason.

"Is it in any way related to sex? Because if that is, I feel for you. Naruto asked me about the interest of BDSM once." He was glad that the brat was Jiraiya's responsibility now -- the man would have no problem answering that kind of question.

Asuma nodded sympathetically. "And Ino cried on me about her breasts being too small at least a dozen times. She wouldn't let go before I assured her that they weren't. I kept looking over my shoulder for a week after that, watching out in case word had come back to her father."

Kurenai barely cracked a smile, which was more an acknowledgement of how nice they were than any real amusement. "But has either of them ever -- uh. Had any... inappropriate attachment? Because I don't know how to react, what to say, what to do..."

Asuma blinked. "Nah, can't say mine did."

Kakashi shrugged. "It did, but I ignored it and it stopped on its own after a time. It was just a crush. Happens at their age."

He didn't precise which kid it had been, which was enough of a clue in itself.

"But I can't ignore it!" she protested, and stole her glass back quickly. "I mean, she actually told me, I can't pretend I don't know, and she's so shy and frail and no one's ever loved her, and she needs to be loved so much, but --"

Asuma blinked, then winced sympathetically. "Hinata? Ouch."

"Even if she wasn't my student and so much younger than me, I'm still straight. It doesn't make me that uncomfortable, but..."

"It doesn't? Mm, guess Hinata isn't that likely to use her Byakugan like that," Kakashi commented innocently. "Must be nice to have such a trustworthy student, even at such a... difficult age."

Asuma and Kurenai both paused, then Asuma arched an eyebrow and Kurenai glared. "I hate you."

"Thank you."

"... Okay, okay, I guess it isn't the end of the world, but she's so sensitive and I ... I worry. I didn't even know that she liked girls. I was pretty sure she was after Naruto. Now I keep wondering if I led her on..."

Kakashi shrugged. "If that can help, I don't think she's really a lesbian. She's either bisexual or confused -- she's only fourteen after all. And like you said, she's not used to people actually bothering to be nice to her. Even Naruto was only nice when he noticed her, which wasn't that often."

"How can you be sure, though?"

It had been a general question, but Kakashi was too much of a jerk to pass it up. "Well, the third time I caught him jerking off, moaning my name, I felt pretty sure it wasn't just innocent hero-worship. Of course, the way he kept glancing at my ass was also a good clue."

Asuma blinked again, then shook his head as if to dispel the bad mental picture, and Kurenai turned a deep red that made her eyes look pale in comparison.

"Anyway, if you don't want to hurt her feelings, just use the teacher-student relationship as a reason. You don't have to give the others."

"She will know," Kurenai replied in a tired voice. "She always knows. Hyuugas are frightfully good at reading body language."

"Then you'll be her first heartbreak. Had to happen to her one day anyway. At least you'll let her down gently." He downed his drink. "Gentler than Naruto would let her down. Gentler than Sakura was--" Once again, the most recent of Kakashi's shadows stayed unnamed.

"Here, have another drink," Asuma commented quietly as he pushed a drink in front of both of his fellow teachers.

"It's not my turn this week," Kakashi commented.

"I'll swap with you," was all that Asuma replied.

He kept sipping at his glass of water, watching over his friends.


	3. Gai, Lee, the ties that bind them, gen

_Erriefiction__: I'd like a story about where the hell Rock Lee came from. _

Author's note: I am reusing/tweaking a bunny I had for a multipart fic I'm working on right now. So if it feels similar when I end up posting, you'll know why.

* * *

The first time Gai saw him, he recognized him instantly. It was hard not to; it was like looking in a mirror that went back in time. The hair was entirely different, though, tied in a long braid - he remembered it floating in a thick, transparent liquid - and the eyes of that particular, almost painful width that meant growing up in the dark.

He did not know who to blame for not turning off the incubator. Or maybe they had; the clone that crazy mednin had based on him had simply been the most advanced of the batch. He had been too angry to care about the details.

He did not know who to blame, but as he watched the child run, ignoring the mockeries of his peers with admirable bravery, heavy braid bouncing behind him, as he watched him grow up without the warm and caring family Gai himself had know and still grow up to be honourable and determined, as he watched him try and try again to overcome a limitation that had been built into him by a madman playing at God, he decided that the burn he felt was guilt for not asking about what had been done, for assuming that the experiment - the child - his twin, his son, his other self - had been terminated.

The first time Lee saw him, he didn't recognize him - he didn't know; it was better like that - and yet he did; their souls matched. Gai never told him where he'd come from. It didn't matter anymore. Lee was his own person.

Lee was his beloved disciple. His twin.

His son. 


	4. NaruIta

_NaruIta drabble, for sachi. Not quite what she asked for, but the closest I could manage._

* * *

Their data had been insufficient, Itachi admitted that. He wasn't one for denial -- not that he could have denied that particular unpleasant truth.

The Fourth had been a vastly superior seal expert than any of the ones who had performed the seals on the previous demon holders. Even Shuukaku and the Three Tails hadn't been as hard to extract, and contrary to the rest, they had live carriers too; but it hadn't been too complicated to unravel the seals, and the death of the carriers had, in the end, pulled the demons free. Itachi wasn't sure the seal expert of the Akatsuki would find a way to unbind the Kyuubi's. Basically, Kyuubi couldn't be taken out of Naruto-kun. At all. What it meant, was that Naruto was probably a lot closer to immortality than Orochimaru would ever get.

What it concretely meant, was that Itachi was fucked. Because the vessel and the fox were bleeding into each other at the edges, and he'd angered them both -- even before capturing them to lead them to be separated.

He'd angered them both, by attacking them, and hurting their teammates -- for putting Kakashi-san through Tsukiyomi again, and breaking that pink-haired kunoichi's legs, and, surprisingly, for traumatizing his brother. He'd angered them both, by being the reason Sasuke betrayed them for the Sound, fought them with the intent to kill. By being the indirect reason they ended up in the hospital, broken and bloody and beaten.

He'd angered them both, mostly, by daring to look like Sasuke.

The relationship between his little brother and Naruto-kun was apparently complex and of a mixed nature -- and frankly of no real interest to him -- but one thing it seemed to produce in abundance was enraged resentment.

Naruto was too squeamish to kill him in cold blood, but Kyuubi had no problem finding new and inventive ways to make him bleed. Ways that made Naruto forget exactly who he was yelling at, who he was hitting, who he was blaming for being a cold asshole and hurting his friends and abandoning him.

Ways that made Naruto forget who he was bruising. Biting. Kissing.


	5. NaruSasu silliness

Birthday drabble for Sachi -- happy birthday, hon :3

NaruSasu, utter silliness

* * *

"... Seriously, Sasuke, you could have tried harder. You did that just to annoy me!"

Sasuke glares, and crosses his arms, huffing with annoyance to chase a lock of hair away from his face. "No, YOU forced me to go through it just to annoy me -- and what's wrong with it, anyway?"

"As if you can't tell!" Naruto yells, and shapes a few hand seals quickly. "See, you did it all wrong!"

Sasuke's eyes cross and he leans back on the bed, grumbling. "Naruto, get out of my face."

"Not as long as you don't do it again -- and correctly this time!"

"What's WRONG with it anyway!" Sasuke finally yells back, shoving Naruto off him. "I can't SEE what's wrong, so tell me!"

"They're TINY, that's what's wrong!"

Sasuke's eyebrow twitches. Then he scowls. "You're badgering me because my stupid breasts are too small!"

"Well yeah! if it's to be just as flat-chested as when you're a boy, what's the point of using the sexy no jutsu?" Naruto asks, waving his arms for emphasis. Sasuke narrowly avoids getting knocked out by his bouncing breasts.

"The point is that you nagged me into being a girl, and I'm humoring you here, because in case it failed to escape your notice, I don't find this sexy in the least!"

"Oh, come on, you'd finally have a valid reason to wear lipstick and nailpolish -- OW!"

An offended growl. "I don't wear --"

"You so do! And you look like a little girlyboy too, with your pretty face and your eyeliner and -- oh, you're such a pretty little fag, Sasuke..."

"... fag yourself, you -- mmmh -- you... half-fag... moron..."

"Mhhhn... 's called being bi..."

"'s called being a perv -- god, do that again or i'll kill you!"

Chuckles. Moans. Whispers -- a scream.

"... So... will you be a girl for me again, Sasuke?"

Sasuke gives Naruto a long, pondering, unconvinced look, which would make Naruto squirm uncertainly if Sasuke wasn't still red, flushed and sweaty. "... Mmh... So long as you stay a man for me, I think we have a deal."


	6. Tsunade and hangovers

Random Tsunade one-shot thing I wrote instead of working on Teamwork. Thanks to JoIsBishMyoga for the help.

* * *

Hangovers are only a mix of dehydration and the toxic byproducts created when the body breaks down alcohol. It's a simple matter for a healer of her caliber to get rid of the toxins, redistribute her cells' H2O content, and make herself feel as fresh and healthy as a rose.

She never does. The hangovers are a bitch, but she deserves them. Oblivion is a myth, one she can never reach anyway; she's been drinking too much for far too long for any kind of alcohol to still affect her enough.

She's never gotten used to the feeling the morning after, though. The heaviness and the bleakness and the pain.

She tells herself that at least she'll know better next time.

And then she does it again anyway.

She doesn't heal herself, because she deserves it. Reaching out for something impossible, knowing how much she will hurt on the way down, but still hoping that this time it will be different -- she knows what she's getting into.

She can't stop drinking anyway. She can't stop hoping anyway.

This time... this time, it will be different. Except it never is. The world doesn't work that way.

She doesn't even drink to forget Dan and Nawaki's deaths anymore. Neither were her choice, neither were her fault. She accepts this, now, mostly. But she drinks to forget other things. Other things that she could have prevented, other things she should have seen coming, other things that she should stop feeling, because they're ridiculous and he doesn't deserve them anyway, he doesn't deserve her hope and her missing him and his sarcasm and his sense of observation and his cool that tempered their hotheadedness so well, he doesn't deserve her missing him like one might miss a limb or a sense or, well, or a loved one. Like one might miss a teammate, a third of one's self.

He doesn't deserve her still loving him and his quirks and his faults and his twisted mindset, still feeling his absence like an empty space where he should be, still feeling the imbalance between their third and her.

He doesn't deserve any of that, but he has it anyway. And she can't let go. So she drinks, to forget how it feels to miss a traitor and a murderer.

But all these feelings, they're not hers to bestow. He has them, and she can't take them back, even though she doubts he even wants them, or notices he owns anything like them.

She knows better. She still does it anyway.

She knows better than to stop Sakura. Sakura is like her, smart enough to know better, stubborn, stupid enough to do it anyway. To hope anyway.

When she brings Sasuke back, Tsunade will stop drinking.

This time... this time, it will be different.


	7. Naruto, Sakura, Rustlings In The Night

Title: Rustlings in the Night

Actually not for anyone this time. O.o My brain goes to weird places sometimes. Yay for masturbation. XD

* * *

It was a tacit rule on field missions that when you heard one of your comrades' sleeping bag rustle slightly during the night, you did not ask them what was going on.

For one thing, it wasn't hard to guess. Naruto did his fair share of rustling after all -- and maybe a little more than that -- and even if he hadn't, the smell would have told him everything he needed to know.

For another thing, while seeing the bastard blush and scowl was entertaining indeed, Sasuke hit harder when he was embarrassed.

Of course, usually the rustling came from Sasuke's sleeping bag or his own. He assumed that Kakashi-sensei did... whatever he wanted to do during the day, or was just amazingly stealthy. Anyway, it didn't matter. It was a guy thing, and they weren't supposed to talk about it... unless Sasuke actually made noises, which didn't happen often -- but when he did Naruto felt a sort of obligation to tease him the morning after, to get revenge on the way Sasuke's fun time had intruded on his own personal moments.

Then of course Sasuke got pissed and they beat each other up, which was... not really a problem anyway.

But it was a guy thing.

Naruto wasn't sure what the protocol was when it was the girl of the group who started squirming in her sleeping bag.

There was no privacy during missions, especially not the ones that required them to sleep in arm's reach of each other, but they all could pretend. So at first, he tried to tell himself she was just having a bad dream.

Except that since he didn't dare turn on his side away from her -- it would have made noise, and then she would have known he was awake -- he could see the way her sleeping bag tented when she folded her knees, and the way the cloth twitched and creased. Then of course he couldn't help but marvel -- girls did that too? -- and wonder how she was doing it -- girls didn't have a penis after all.

It smelled nice. The rhythm, though, apparently needed some work. And it lasted so long, that by the time she let out that high-pitched, strangled little squeal, he had been pushed to drive his nails into his own thighs to keep from going crazy.

He beat his own record that night. Not even twenty seconds. That was a lot more efficient. Girls were so slow.

Pondering that deep mystery of the universe, he fell asleep.


	8. GaaSasu, dark

... I actually have no excuse for this one, save that I was asked for a GaaSasu and this was the only way in hell I could see it actually happening. If I continued it, I'd have to put warnings for NCS and snuff. x.x

* * *

Leaning against the tree at his back, Sasuke watched him approach, eyes bleeding into black. Gaara smiled. He looked much better when he wasn't using the sharingan -- dark eyes to contrast with that pale skin, dark and somber and softer than crazy red.

He looked much better when he was too exhausted to call on it. Too exhausted to run away.

He was caught, now, and he knew it. And he was so much more beautiful with his lips reddened by wet, glistening blood, with his chest desperately heaving for breath, with his clothes shredded by numerous crashes through trees and rocks, with his perfection marred and broken.

He was beautiful, and loved, and so very strong. Gaara licked his lips, and advanced, slowly, his sand rising all around them to cut every escape route.

Mother would be pleased.


	9. Neji and Naruto, wardrobe malfunction

**For Jedera**: Neji, Naruto and wardrobe malfunction. And crack. Mmm, crack.

* * *

They just need a distraction. Amazons, though, don't DO distracted. And Neji and Naruto aren't committing the mistake of thinking that being girls, they would be less dangerous -- their own Godaime is, after all, very much a woman. 

They leap into the fray, kunai flashing, attempting to scare off more than to kill -- the amazons are only trying to capture them for now, but if there was even one death, they'd track the ninjas down to the ends of the earth.

There are punches thrown and arrows and blades whizzing around, but amazingly, no one gets hurt much, save maybe a few bruises. Dodging and weaving through the crowd, Naruto and Neji make it almost all the way through the melee.

And then they get surrounded.

Classical stand-off -- Neji and Naruto almost back to back, the warrior women circling them. There are only a few left toward the exit, and if they rush them, they can go through -- but the hand signals they flash each other say the same thing. They need a distraction, just one second...

Naruto's waistband snaps, and in the sudden, stunned silence, his pants rustle unnaturally loudly as they pool on his feet.

He goes commando, by the way.

Most amazons have never seen any males but the ones they watch over -- pampered, despised weaklings -- and the bandits hanging around the area -- usually hairy and messily scarred and stinking from ten feet away. Naruto isn't really beefy, nor is he exceptionally slender, but -- well, for one thing, he's a true blond.

A hardened, gray-haired war-horse slaps her hands on her eyes and turns around quickly. There are gasps, of horror or just of surprise.

And then come the catcalls.

Neji throws Naruto over his shoulder and rushes the still blinking small group of women standing between them and the exit, accessorily presenting them with a fine piece of naked ninja ass. They barely remember to dodge; he even has to bowl one of them over.

Naruto is muttering uncomplimentary things under his breath, and hits Neji's back in frustration, but he doesn't ask to be put down before they're well out of range; taking care of his pants right when they're being chased would be stupid. By the way Neji's shoulders twitch a little as he dodges through the trees, Naruto knows that the son of a bitch is trying not to snicker out loud. So glad he can amuse mister Broodalot.

"Just kill me," Naruto mutters as Neji finally stops running to put him down. "What a fucking time for a wardrobe malfunction."

... his waistband, he notices, has been sliced with such precision that it didn't even nick the skin.

With a kunai.

Neji's smirk is bordering on a leer. "Wardrobe malfunction? It functioned exactly like it was meant to."


	10. Sometimes, NaruSasuSaku

Title: Sometimes

Author: Asuka Kureru (askerian (at) hotmail (dot) com)

Fandom: Naruto

Pairing(s): NaruSasuSaku

Genre: POV, introspection, suggested lemons ?

* * *

Sometimes, Naruto felt tender. Those days, he made love to Sakura, gently, lovingly, playfully -- like she was beautiful and perfect, and those days, she loved him.

Sometimes, Naruto felt passionate. Those days, he fucked a red-eyed Sasuke, grabbed him and fought him until he could force his legs apart -- like he needed him -- like he was an enemy to be conquered, dominated, possessed -- and those days, Sakura hated him. Wanted them. Wanted in.

Sometimes -- rarely -- Naruto felt lazy. Those days, he let Sasuke take him. Sasuke bit and scratched, licked and held him close, eyes closed. Naruto kissed her while Sasuke wanted-needed-loved him. Naruto pulled her under him, and these days she could feel Sasuke's passion, softened through Naruto's love.

She wanted it the other way around.

Sometimes, Naruto felt kinky, and then he watched them. Sasuke wasn't as playful as Naruto was. He always took her face to face, properly. His eyes stayed black. He kissed her mouth, he never bit her neck. She felt protected, cherished. Sort of loved. Maybe. Maybe.

Sometimes -- sometimes she was tired of being the girl, the prize, the precious thing to be protected. Sometimes she wanted in on Naruto's passion, the mad sex and scratching and the lovebites that bled red -- she wanted in on Sasuke's love. Sometimes she wanted a change -- and she changed. She put on Naruto's face, or Sasuke's features, and then she pretended. She knew them well enough that neither of them could tell her apart. And then she let go. And then she had contests with Naruto on who could be wildest, and Sasuke moaned, mewled, pleaded under them -- and then she moved over Naruto, gently, tenderly, lovingly, giving him back what he gave her -- and then Sasuke looked at her with just as much want-need-love as he watched Naruto with -- and she was in between them, and somehow still wanting in.

Sometimes, Sasuke offered Naruto to her. He got him wild, got him crazy -- then watched them, as Naruto fucked her, and then she could see Sasuke's love for them, his love for her, as he shared with her what he needed most in the world. And this -- Naruto's passion, Sasuke's love -- it was all she had ever wanted.

Sometimes, she needed-wanted-loved them both with all the passion and the tenderness she felt and all she had been given, and they needed-wanted-loved her back just as much as each other, and everything was just as she always strived for.


	11. Done, Neji, dark

Not only is this total cracky what-if, it's also evil crack. Brainbreaky whee!

* * *

When he was fourteen, Neji's hate died. Neji's hope was born.

Neji's hope was a boy. It killed his hate, killed his despair, offered him the sky. Gave him peace. Gave him glue, and pieces of his family back. It didn't fit the way it had, before, or even the way it should, but in the way he pieced it all back together at least he could see his imprint. It wasn't smooth and it wasn't perfect and it was far from finished, but it was his.

* * *

When he was eighteen, Neji's hope died.

Neji's hope died chasing its own dream, died broken and alone. And then came despair, and then came the realization that all his promises, his endless strength -- they had been lies. Neji had grown stronger. But not enough to do it on his own. Never enough.

The pieces of his family would never, ever fit. They weren't a puzzle; they were broken glass at the top of a wall. He would only cut himself to the bone.

When he was eighteen, Neji's hope died, and his hate was born anew.

Neji's hate was a man, and he didn't make promises -- he offered nothing. He said: here is the truth -- that Neji already knew -- and here are your choices -- that he'd always pretended not to see.

He left Neji his choices and the possibility to make his own mistake; he didn't judge. He didn't care.

That was true freedom, and it was terrifying.

* * *

"Are you done?" Itachi whispers, stepping out of the shadows.

Neji is standing in the middle of the courtyard. The moonlight makes the white of his skin glow in the dark, makes the blood on his hands and his clothes and the drops on his face even blacker than his hair. He has a kunai in hand; it doesn't even shine, it gleams wetly instead, just barely.

Itachi is waiting at the gate; he doesn't move. Neji's eyes are as white as the moon, as empty as his own.

"Yes," Neji says, "I'm done;" and walks out of the silent Hyuuga compound without looking back.


	12. The Assbow, team 7 gen

Okay so this was written in about ten minutes, out of NOTHING. Which means the characterization isn't that deep, but hey, it amused me.

Thanks to Windshades for making me think up the first sentence, and then prodding me with every sentence I pulled out with a "...and then?". Seriously, that was amazing. XD

Gen, Team 7 friendship.

**Post-timeskip,** **some vague spoilers for the current manga arc**. (chapter 280 and up -- the name of a new character, that's it)

* * *

"No, seriously, I'm just glad you're not wearing an ass-bow." 

Sasuke froze in his tracks. "... a... what?"

He hadn't changed much. He was dressed all in black, with pants instead of shorts, but he still favored large collars and arm-warmers. His hair was a little longer. And, okay, he was still just as drop-dead gorgeous. Sakura couldn't help but stare, and smile at her teammates standing face to face, even though one second ago, they'd all been that close to killing each other.

"An ass-bow. I used to wonder what it would be like to find you again, and in half of them you showed up in that purple rope with the huge bow over your ass, and then I couldn't help it and laughed in your face and you stomped off in a huff."

They were still standing in the middle of the field, in combat-ready positions. But somehow the pre-fighting tension had totally vanished.

"... You were... thinking... about me in an ass-bow," Sasuke repeated slowly, half in wonder and half in utter contempt. Sakura wondered if he'd forgotten that much of what Naruto was truly like.

She would have wondered longer, but then Sai -- what the hell was he doing here anyway? He wasn't supposed to be here with them -- apparently decided that the pause had lasted long enough and moved to attack. Not a word of warning, just lethal intent and a bloody line traced on a summoning scroll. Sasuke's cold-as-ice mask slammed back on, the bewilderment disappearing as he turned to face the new threat. Naruto yelled a protest -- at being ignored, at the fight starting up again, she didn't know.

Sasuke was still moving his hands through seals when she punched Sai in the head from behind, knocking him out cleanly.

Sasuke blinked again, and Sakura desperately fought the urge to giggle in pride. Now she was the one who was totally bewildering him.

"So," she started brightly. "How about we have a chat. Just the three of us. I do mean a chat, Naruto," she warned him. Naruto pouted.

"What makes you think--" Sasuke started.

"Or I could knock you out, and have Naruto sit on you, and then we'd have our chat," she added, still as brightly.

Sasuke was sneering again, but it looked like it was because he didn't have anything to say.

"Come on, scaredy-cat, we're not gonna eat you."

"Do you believe I'm scared?"

"Nah, I believe you're an asshole, but that hasn't changed. At least you're not an asshole in ass-bow."

Sasuke's control on his temper slipped. "Will you drop the fucking ass-bow thing already?"

"Seriously, Sasuke-kun, we just want to talk. It isn't as if we're expecting the cavalry; there's no risk in losing a few minutes."

She had more pride than to try the puppy-eyes trick. Naruto didn't. "Here! We'll even sit on this rock, and you can sit... uh... on that trunk. Or something." Naruto sat, hands stuck under his thigh, and grinned hopefully at Sasuke, who was staring at him as if he was trying to figure out how many times Naruto had been dropped on his head before it took.

He looked at Sakura, too, as if expecting her to be sane. She sat on another rock, primly, knees together, and gave him her best winning smile. "Just a few words, Sasuke. Promise."

Sai was stirring. She picked up a rock and threw it at his head, and went back to smiling.

Sasuke's eyelid twitched.

"We'll follow you until you listen, bastard." Naruto was still grinning happily. Of course if Sasuke hadn't left yet, he wasn't going to.

"Just a minute, Sasuke-kun," she added.

"I've been listening for more than that, and you haven't made sense yet," he snorted, but he did lean against the closest tree gingerly. Naruto and Sakura exchanged a quick, triumphant glance.

"So how long d'you think you have before you gotta hightail it out of Sound?"

Sasuke actually blinked. For a doujutsu user, it was Significant. Sakura refrained from bouncing.

"... What?"

"Well, we thought," she explained, taking pity on him, "if you were done with Orochimaru, you'd be long gone already. But you aren't. So, how long do you think you will need, and where should we ambush the ninjas chasing you?"

There was a difference between a silent, sneering Sasuke and a silent, stunned Sasuke. This was definitely the second.

Naruto rolled his eyes. "What? Don't tell us it doesn't make sense. They won't be expecting us."

Sasuke finally recovered enough to snarl, "That's because you won't be here!"

Sakura sighed. Ah, Sasuke and his denial. "Of course we'll be here, silly. It's a good team strategy."

And back to stunned.

Sasuke stared at her, then at Naruto. Then at her. Then Naruto. They didn't look away. They didn't stop smiling. They probably looked as manically happy as each other.

"... Whatever."

Snorting, Sasuke turned away.

"Two months, three weeks. The bridge on the Naga river."

He left quickly, not wanting to give them any time to reply.

On the ground, Sai stirred again. Sakura was too busy dancing with Naruto to care.

* * *

Actually, I don't even hate Sai. (the dick comments! XD) But Sakura and Naruto sure don't care much for him. XD 


	13. Babies, NaruSasuSaku, Mpreg

**Theme 9 for the ThirtyForThree community on LiveJournal, Babies.**

**Pairing: NaruSasuSaku. **

**Genre: Humor, fluff.**

**Warning: Mpreg.

* * *

**

She finds Sasuke on his knees in the bathroom, dry-heaving. She winces; her own morning sickness stage has been over for two months now, but Sasuke is having a few complications. Seven months pregnant, and still throwing up once a day without fail -- and that's without counting the times when the smell of something -- anything -- doesn't agree with him.

She pats his back encouragingly; she gets a dark, resentful glare in return.

"This is all your fault," he informs her when he's done, just like he's done without fail since the first time he got sick. She sighs and apologizes softly, still rubbing his back, and pretends that she doesn't see that he needs to lean on the sink to get back on his feet. She would help him, but he's so proud it would do more hurt than good.

They start back to their bedroom, Sakura one step behind; the corridor isn't large enough for them to waddle side by side. They pause by Miki's room together, without a word. Their daughter is soundly asleep, black eyes closed, messy reddish hair spiking every other way, cuddling her frog plushie tightly.

"... Does it get easier," Sasuke asks without looking at Sakura, "after the first pregnancy?"

Sakura chuckles softly as she closes the door. "I can't tell," she says as she pats her round belly softly. "This one takes after her daddy."

Sasuke doesn't answer, just slips a hand around her baby bulge until he feels the relentless kicks.

"... Let's go back to bed."

Naruto is sprawled in the middle of their huge futon, a bare leg peeking out of the blankets, arms akimbo as if waiting for heads to rest on his shoulders. There's no way to lay down except against him.

Sasuke doesn't bother trying; he kicks Naruto's leg and orders him to leave the bed until Sakura and him are installed comfortably.

Sasuke hates feeling like a beached whale so very much. It takes ages to lower himself to the mattress and find a comfortable position. Also, his back aches. At least he doesn't have Sakura's sore breasts on top of it -- his modified version of the sexy no jutsu has that small advantage. Of course it might also be the reason why he's sick all the time -- imprecise hormonal balance. He doesn't know which is worse. Being a full woman might be easier on his body, but on his psyche... not so much. The child inside him is already doing a number on his male pride.

But... but. He wants -- he needs to have more children. As perfect as his one daughter with Sakura is, she isn't enough. And Naruto couldn't keep on feeling excluded -- so since they were going to be stuck in Konoha for a few years again, this time Sasuke chose to save time by having a child at the same time as Naruto's. It's a bit hard to have twins on command, though, especially with different fathers.

So he came up with that version of the jutsu, and here he is. Fat and powerless, internal organs perpetually bruised, and that damned morning sickness that he swears he'll keep having until the day his child decides to say hello.

... His child. That makes it worth it.

Naruto settles between Sakura and him. It has become his usual place in the last nine months; Sakura and Sasuke need to be able to leave the bed at all hours, in a way that doesn't involve scaling the footboard. Sasuke strangely regrets losing the way Sakura would nestle against him, when they still switched places and he ended up in the middle.

He doesn't miss the way Naruto would throw a possessive arm around his waist, because the moron still does it.

"Stop fondling me," he grunts. "Go grope Sakura."

"He already is," she informs him from the other side of the bed, and slaps the offending hand off.

"I just want to say hello to the babies, " Naruto whines.

Sasuke groans as his kidneys are kicked again. Five hits combo. This one is going to be a god of taijutsu. "Mine says hello right back, now shut the hell up and let me finish my night."

"But it's eight AM -- OOF."

Naruto spits out the cushion that somehow stuffed itself in his mouth and gives Sasuke the puppy eyes. Bastard ignores him, pretending to sleep. Naruto turns toward Sakura; she's chuckling softly.

"Sasuke doesn't love me anymore," he informs her woefully. "You still do, right?"

"Yes, yes," she grins. "It could be worse though."

"How?" Naruto whispers, forehead to forehead with her, knowing perfectly well that Sasuke still hears them.

"You could be his baby's daddy," she comments dryly, and thinks that their children are going to be so messed up trying to keep track of who fathered or carried who. "Then he'd curse at you twice as much every time it twitches."

Naruto laughs, and pats her round, though not as huge, belly. "Hehe, next time maybe."

Sasuke pushes himself up to lean over Naruto's shoulder and glares down at them. "Next time what?"

Naruto rolls on his back to blink up at him. That's obvious, isn't it? "Well, you've got two kids with Sakura, Sakura's having my kid -- next time it's gotta be yours and mine. Now that we know that my passenger won't change a baby's genes," he adds, caressing Sakura's stomach where a perfectly human child is growing, "you don't hafta be afraid for the sharingan."

And then he reaches out and fits his large, calloused hand against the bottom curve of Sasuke's belly.

Sakura groans and rolls away, so she can't be dragged in the dispute when, predictably, Sasuke punches him.

"And why the hell wouldn't YOU carry MINE?"

Naruto stammers, still desperately trying to block Sasuke's fists without hurting him or making him lose his balance and fall on his stomach.

"B-because -- Kyuubi!"

"Ha! Hypocrite! You just said it wasn't a problem!"

"But carrying them is different!"

Sakura sighs and turns around again, knowing that they could keep squabbling for days.

"Hey Naruto. You have to admit... That would be fair."

Sasuke smirks as he sits up and crosses his arms over his belly, victorious. Naruto wilts.

Smiling serenely, Sakura continues. "Of course, if you two want to talk fair, you owe it to me to have two babies each."

Sasuke and Naruto stare at her for the longest time while she fights to keep a straight face, and then let out a "NO WAY!" in perfect synchronization. She dissolves into helpless laughter.

They don't notice that she never tells them, "I was kidding."


	14. Talking Over Distance, T7 pervy

**Theme 9 for the ThirtyForThree community on LiveJournal, Talking over Distance.**

**Pairing: NaruSasuSaku. **

**Warning: implied perviness.

* * *

**

Routine surveillance missions are boring, especially without a Naruto to distract you from your task.

Sasuke is tucked comfortably in the crook of a branch, hidden in the leaves. He keeps watch. The earbuds crackles in his ears; he taps the mike, snug against his throat. "Report, Sakura."

She whispers back; "nothing to -- oh. Naruto just arrived."

Paper crinkles as she reads the mission outline Sasuke sent through the blond in silence.

"Hm. Let me think a minute."

Naruto chuckles, whispers something that Sasuke can't entirely make out. There might be the word "help" somewhere in it.

She moves suddenly, "hey--", and Naruto -- of all people -- shushes her.

Sasuke shifts into a more comfortable position and whispers sternly in the receiver. "Sakura. Report. Describe."

He listens intently as her words tells him everything about topography, enemy hideouts, paths to watch, and her hitching breath tells him everything about the rough fingers digging in her thighs and the blond locks caressing her belly.

Routine surveillance missions are boring, but there are ways to fix that.


	15. Rent, NaruSasuSaku, pervy

**Theme 10 for the ThirtyForThree community on LiveJournal, Rent.**

**Pairing: NaruSasuSaku. **

**Warning: light angst, implied naughtiness. **

Apparently someone is under the misguided impression that I feel shame. XD -:snicker:- Aww, that's so cute.

**

* * *

**

Naruto insists on paying Sasuke a rent. Every month without fail It appears in random places, piled on Sasuke's bedside table, sitting on the table with his morning coffee, rolled around his toothbrush, or even, on one memorable occasion, in his underwear.

Without fail, it is returned to its owner.

Being slapped in the face by a wad of bills loses its shock value after the third time.

So they fight, and Sakura sighs, and kicks them out of their house. It might have been Sasuke's house at first, but it's home now. Their home. Naruto doesn't understand that being paid for the right to keep on living with them makes Sasuke feel like Naruto is his tenant and not his teammate, his mate, his lover, that Sasuke didn't pay for this house and he doesn't like getting benefits out of it. Sasuke doesn't understand that Naruto doesn't understand how it works with family, that he needs to feel useful, that being taken in makes him feel like a housewife who can't even do the chores right and even less carry his child -- like he's a stray, only there by charity.

Naruto needs to repay Sasuke for taking him in and Sasuke can't stand getting money from family.

Sakura sighs, and takes the money for the groceries. Boys, she thinks, no practical sense, and pulls Naruto aside for advice on how to get around Sasuke's mule-headedness.

Somehow, Sasuke has a much harder time to refuse rent when it comes in the form of free coupons for one night of the sexual fantasy of his choice. A good thing Naruto doesn't see anything wrong with being a prostitute for his lover.

Sakura participates for free, and still feels like she got the better end of the bargain.


	16. Sai VS Sasuke, manga spoilers

Thanks to complexphoenix and windshades for their sorely needed help, and to Sarolynne for the quick beta.

Warning: SPOILERS for the latest manga chapter (296). This will no doubt become AU within the next chapters or so; whatever, it's such yummy crack. XD Mmm, Sai/Sasuke interaction.

(I don't hate Sai as a character, though I'm not sureI have a good handle on his character yet; but he's so fun to pit against Sasuke.)

* * *

Sasuke hadn't been told where Orochimaru and Kabuto were going, of course. Nevertheless, he was waiting when they came back, sitting in a tree that leaned far over the cliff. The main exit of the cave that Orochimaru and his court used as their current hiding place was somewhere underneath, just above the surface of the water far below.

Kabuto sighed; while it was the highest point of view around, it was hardly the safest. One hit to the trunk and he would be tumbling down to his death. But Sasuke probably knew that. He was always so open about provoking people.

Sasuke greeted Orochimaru with his customary curt half-bow, graced Kabuto with a quick glance, and didn't seem to give Sai a second look; he immediately zeroed in on the torn, dirty clothes. When Orochimaru took the rope down the cliff, he fell into step with Kabuto.

"Sasori?"

"Dead. No info," Kabuto replied, letting him assume what he would, and ignored him in favor of climbing down the slippery rocks. Sasuke-kun was a bit too curious about the Akatsuki.

Sai made his way down the canyon on one of his weird, painted birds, and Kabuto was amused to see that, for all the notice Sasuke had apparently given the other boy, he was still watching Sai surreptitiously from under his bangs, his eyes sharingan-red. If his strange ability was anything but a bloodline limit, Sasuke would be able to imitate it within the hour; of course it probably didn't help that the Uchiha didn't have a drop of artistic ability in his body.

The cave was empty; the couple of other ninjas Orochimaru had taken along were outside, patrolling. In any case, they weren't much other than efficient, expendable pawns; it didn't matter much if they weren't around for Sai's ... interview.

It would have been much, much easier to have that talk if Sasuke-kun hadn't stubbornly dogged their heels, but Kabuto didn't even bother "forgetting" to bring out a fourth chair. If Sasuke wasn't included, he would only eavesdrop. It was hard to break someone out of such a habit when he wasn't allowed to inflict any kind of lasting damage.

So Orochimaru watched Sai as the boy explained his mission and his leader's goals, listening for a trap, and Sasuke watched Orochimaru question Sai, reconstructing the story that he probably shouldn't have known, and Kabuto watched Sasuke watch Orochimaru; but Kabuto didn't catch any tell-tale twitch at the mention of Sasuke's old teammates -- not at their involvement in the battle against Akatsuki, not at their current geographic closeness, not at the deterioration of Naruto-kun's seal, nothing.

Orochimaru liked to think that it meant his little weapon was honed to a perfect edge; hard, cutting and empty, so much easier to stifle when he took over. Kabuto was a master spy, and knew everything about locking one's true self away; Sasuke was just too contemptuous to bother throwing a mask over the safe where his feelings were kept.

Sai, really, would have looked less blatantly the liar if he had smiled a little less; as it was, several times Kabuto vaguely regretted not having tackled him just a little harder. It was quite difficult not to voluntarily take him wrong, just to have an excuse. He wondered what the boy was protecting behind his irritating attitude; or maybe he had been chosen _despite_ that over-the-top lack of social awareness. Sai did give a good impression of being a blindly, mindlessly faithful soldier; he didn't seem to see anything hypocritical with following to the letter the orders of a man who wanted to ally himself with Konoha's greatest enemy "for its own good", and then turning around and greeting Sasuke-kun with the name "traitor".

"So you are the traitor."

Kabuto was ready to sedate them both, unwilling to get in the middle to separate them; but Sasuke-kun appeared to have wisely decided that Sai was beneath his notice.

"Children, children..." Orochimaru, at least, was entertained. "Sasuke-kun, Sai-kun, I do hope you will get along. Sai-kun will accompany us for a few days, after all, while I review the inestimable information he provided us."

Sasuke's face seemed about as alive as one of these temple statues. Sai kept on smiling, unconcerned. Kabuto refrained from sighing in amused aggravation; he didn't give it a week.

* * *

They changed locations; Sai and Sasuke both two steps behind Orochimaru, because Sasuke wasn't willing to show him his back. Kabuto shadowed them, making sure that the boy wasn't leaving clues for a team to follow; the two Jounin scouted ahead, unseen.

The next hiding place was still on the river, in yet another cave. This time there was something of a riverbank, though. Kabuto had left the task of keeping an eye on Sai's movements to one of the Jounins, as he sat with Orochimaru at the entry of the cave and revised the information they had received.

The acoustics were peculiar; while Orochimaru's soft dictations couldn't be heard from the outside, the scratches of Kabuto's pen as he coded messages for other Sound nins weren't enough, by far, to cover the splashes as the boys efficiently washed up.

Nor was it enough to cover the voices.

"No wonder Naruto is so desperate to get you back; it isn't like he can look at anyone else and feel like a big man."

Kabuto was good at determining where exactly one was looking from afar, from subtle clues in body language and precise measurements of the cant of the head and the set of shoulders. But even a blind man wouldn't have missed what Sai was talking about; the tone was blunt and crude enough.

"Boys," Orochimaru commented softly, ironical and clearly entertained.

Sasuke had paused, thigh-deep in the water. The jounin was clearly wondering how he was supposed to stop him.

"Yes," Sasuke suddenly replied, voice so soft Kabuto strained reflexively to catch the words, rebuild the sentence. "It must have been hard for him to be teamed up with two women."

His nod toward Sai's groin made his meaning clearer than it needed to be; angry enough, Sasuke rarely bothered to be subtle.

Sai laughed. Sasuke finished washing, with quick, efficient and unalluring gestures. Kabuto returned to his notes, shaking his head. Five days, maybe.

"They're almost mirror images of each other," Orochimaru commented that evening, as he watched the teenagers eat.

Sasuke paused, gave a look at his own wiry kimono-clad body, then at Sai's bared, slightly thicker midriff. He didn't say that at least he didn't look like a slut, despite how visible it was on his face; Kabuto privately agreed that he didn't have much room to throw that kind of stone.

"Slanted eyes and short black hair are hardly rarities," Sasuke finally replied, frowning slightly.

Orochimaru smiled; Kabuto wondered if the rest of them would be ordered out tonight, despite the risk that Sai would backstab them.

"Your builds are rather similar too, Sasuke-kun," Orochimaru chuckled softly, eyes narrowed. "Even though this isn't the only similarity I'm seeing."

"We're similar enough in built and coloration to pass as brothers," Sai agreed cheerfully. "The idea makes me sick."

Kabuto ate, pretending to concentrate on his food. Sasuke was silent for the longest time, and then replied, voice deceptively soft, "you break my heart, _aniki_."

Finally, Kabuto gave them two days, tops.

* * *

The morning after, Sai gave them a quick rundown on Tsunade, Shizune, Kakashi and a handful of others over breakfast. The information was nothing that Orochimaru's own spies couldn't have found out on their own, but in the interest of polite conversation and getting a fuller idea of the current mood amongst the higher ranks in Konoha, Orochimaru encouraged him with a few pleasant questions.

The boy, Kabuto reflected, was either the worst or the best spy in the world, and if he was the best, then Kabuto wasn't sure who he worked for, in the end. One minute he was insightful and detached in his observations, the other...

Having a scale to compare Tsunade's strength and her student's was useful; a cheerful commentary about Sakura-kun's ugliness, a bit less.

Kabuto was watching for a twitch, but it didn't come. Sasuke only coolly replied, "rather pitiful, yes," when Sai added something about her blind faithfulness to a traitor as relating to her overall intelligence.

He didn't miss the faint, fleeting smirk when the sucker punch was mentioned, though.

"I think they have sex Henge'd as Sasuke. She probably tops."

Sasuke's voice was smooth as silk. "I think you need to practice your own sexual perversions; would you like a hand, aniki?"

Later on, Kabuto tried to share his misgivings with his master; Orochimaru only smirked. They had gotten as much useful information out of Sai as they needed to make an informed decision; Orochimaru saw no problem in leaving his fate up to his vessel. Of course, he wouldn't mind watching the spectacle; though Sasuke was, of course, still his favorite, Sai was very much his type.

Kabuto decided to wash his hands off the matter and enjoy the upcoming schadenfreude.

* * *

They had to separate to avoid a border patrol; when they found Sai's body, he was covered in ink and snake bites. He was also missing his head; in the mud, it was a bit hard to tell how much of the blood belonged to him.

Sasuke was, predictably, nowhere to be seen.

"There are still _five _months left," Orochimaru whispered, velvet on steel, barely covering an incensed hiss.

Yes, and Sasuke-kun had learned intrigue and deceit too well at his court to miss the increased security around him, even masked behind the distraction offered by the most secret of Orochimaru's techniques.

Besides, Sasuke had always been curious about the Akatsuki, and Kabuto had never thought Orochimaru's brief allegiance a particularly well-kept secret. These arcane techniques, Itachi already knew them.

Life in Sound had also taught him to plan ahead, to cut his losses; and the unveiling of such a huge, deeply rooted conspiracy against Konoha's own Hokage? Sai had talked so much, and Orochimaru hadn't thought anything about letting Sasuke listen. This was as good a bargaining chip as he was ever going to get.

The river was so fast; he was probably halfway to his old team by now. It didn't prevent Orochimaru from calling onto his seal to slow him down; maybe that would be enough.

As they raced on Sasuke's trail, alarming and subsequently silencing several patrols that they had been trying to avoid, Kabuto couldn't help but sigh.

If Sai had really been a Konoha spy, then he had succeeded in his mission above all expectations. And it hadn't even taken him two days.

Of course, now he was a little dead.

Maybe Kabuto had been a spy too long, and was thinking about it too hard and overestimating both teens.

...Sasuke would never have been rash enough to simply kill him in a fit of pique, would he?

* * *

OMAKE

Oro: -brings Sai back home- lookie I gots me nother pretty boislut n.n  
Sasuke: -doesn't care-  
Sai: -blahblah oh look a traitor to Konoha-  
Sasuke: -yeah whatever kettle-dude-  
Sai: -Naruto's penis blah-  
Sasuke: ... -twitch-  
Sai: -blah Sakura sucks ugly witch blah-  
Sasuke: -twitchtwitch-  
Sai: -they so boning eachother zomg lolz-  
Sasuke: ... -say what bitch-  
Sai: -yeah so Naruto's penis is prettier than Sakura's face...-  
Sasuke: -BITCHSLAP-  
Oro: -there there boys, don't be jealous of each other.- -gropes both-  
Kabuto: -so glad I'm too old for him now- u.u;;


	17. ItaSasuNeji, Babies Redux

No, the threesome/trio/thing makes no sense at all. I... don't know why either. I just got to read a list of challenges again, and there was this theme. "Babies." And there was my crazy cracky WTF pretty!trio of hot angsty men with issues. And... Yeah. That's about it.

I really don't know. XD

* * *

There will be no more Uchiha babies, ever. Sasuke has resigned himself to that. He is fine with the Sharingan being no one's but his own, once two of the people who have shaped his life pass on. He knows now that he is not interested in a brand-new family; they would not grow into people he used to know.

He knew that, but it has taken him a while to _understand_. The mourning stages are a funny thing.

* * *

There will be no more Uchiha babies, ever. Itachi is the judge and jury; he does not wish to lose his objectivity with a family. As for accidents, Itachi doesn't feel desire for anyone but people he can see pieces of himself in; and competent, highly focused, highly lethal ninjas are rarely interested in carrying to term a missing-nin's child.

Even if Itachi wasn't more interested in fighting them than fucking them. Even if he didn't end up killing most of his rare bedmates anyway.

* * *

There will be no more Uchiha babies, ever. Neji isn't really equipped for that anyway; though the reason why Itachi didn't kill him has less to do with that little perk than with the way Neji tried, and almost succeeded, to kill him in the afterglow.

* * *

There will be no more Uchiha babies, ever. And it aches, but it's better for everyone. Neji watches Sasuke as Sasuke watches Hinata's child, all dark hair and pale skin and wriggly limbs and simple joy and total trust. There will be no Branch Hyuugas from Neji, ever, either.

* * *

There will be no more Uchiha babies, ever. No more squeals and no more total trust and no more innocence, no more bright futures and endless hopes. It doesn't stop Sasuke from wishing Itachi would give them back to him. 


	18. NaruKiba, Lamest excuse ever

For KMMK/Narsksas, who challenged me with "NaruKiba: well, my fangs are sharper!" Of course, I just HAD to use the same old twist I always do. One-trick-pony? Me? Never. XD

* * *

"Well, my fangs are sharper!" Kiba protested. Loudly.

Naruto gave him a disgusted and resentful look. On him, it looked kind of like a miffed hamster, but no one had ever bothered telling Naruto that he was getting a bit old for the puffed up cheeks trick. Especially without clothes. Lots of facial expressions should never be attempted outside of the appropriate state of clothing. Sultry, promising smiles, for example, were best attempted without any; Naruto-style pouting, not so much.

The middle-sized circus currently residing in Naruto's baggy, glaringly orange pants would have been rather jarring either way.

"That's the lamest excuse to get out of giving a blowjob I've ever heard."

Kiba huffed, sat up cross-legged on the grass, and crossed his arms on his chest for good measure. He even remembered to turn his face away, ostensibly ignoring said circus. "Okay, how's that one? I'm not gay."

Naruto kneeled up, waving his arms angrily. (His erection bobbed a little, synchronously, but Kiba was looking away and Did Not Notice. Or maybe only with some very manly, virile and non-gay 'who's bigger?'-type pondering. Or, at best -- worst ! -- a sort of horrified fascination.)

"I'm not gay either and yet I gave you one!" Naruto whined -- ahem, opposed firmly. Kiba really was being an ass. Naruto wasn't gay -- maybe a tiny little bit bi, but really, only with pretty boys, not with doggy-boy -- it was just experimentations, really, they were pals weren't they, who could they experiment with if not each other -- anyway! Anyway Naruto wasn't gay and he wasn't especially fond of dicks not his own, and he still hadn't died of giving Kiba's a lick or two. It was just skin for god's sake, and with all that fooling around in the river it wasn't like they stank. Well okay, sperm was kind of gross, but he didn't have to swallow.

Oh yeah, that was right, Naruto had given him one. And it had been -- well, not earth-shattering, but Kiba was of the opinion that there were only two kinds of blowjobs, the good blowjobs and the awesome blowjobs. Nothing that involved wet, warm lips on his dick could ever be anywhere close to neutral, not to mention bad. "But you were a chick at the time, it's completely different."

"What was different?" Naruto asked belligerently.

"Well, you had tits!"

"I meant different for me, asshole!"

Naruto swatted at Kiba. Kiba swatted back. They wasted a few minutes rolling around on the riverbank, nipping each other's arm and attempting to pin each other down.

(Which didn't help Naruto's problem all that much, sadly.)

"I was still a guy inside, moron!"

Kiba shoved Naruto away, grumbling. "... It's still different."

Naruto briefly tried to comprehend the logic that made someone less gay for sucking dick while looking like a girl than while looking like what they really were, a guy. He didn't manage. But then, Kiba didn't shine by his logic any more than Naruto himself did. "So what, you wanna learn my jutsu so you can be a chick when you go down on me?"

Kiba growled, baring his fangs. Naruto bared his right back. More tussling and rolling around ensued. (Maybe with some humping thrown in. Hey, Naruto's lap circus had been unattended for a while now.)

"I'm not learning your jutsu and I'm not giving you a blowjob, the end."

Naruto glared evilly. That wasn't fair! Like hell Kiba was going to get out of it. He puffed up again, ready to tackle the bastard and make him --

"...Tell you what," Kiba added, surprisingly conciliatory, "you turn back into a girl and I'll go down on you twice."

Naruto glared. Pouted. Sulked.

And remembered Ino and Sakura's chats. (the super secret ones where they threw words at each other that they would have killed a boy for uttering in their presence, like the pure virginal perfect ladies that they so weren't. Oh hey, while he thought of it, did they have friendly tussles too like Naruto and Kiba had -- wow, and the middle-sized circus was now a Barnum affair, complete with two or three elephants.)

Girl orgasms did indeed sound tempting. Hell, if Sakura-chan was there (and not dead from blushing, and not killing him for even mentioning sex in a radius of less than two miles of her presence) she might even tell him he was getting the better end of the bargain. Even though he would have liked to know how it felt to get his Naruto Junior -- ahem.

Oh well, he could always jerk off to the memories.

"...Deal. But you keep your fangs out of it."


	19. Kankurou, Temari and makeup

For TheNinjaKitty, "Kankuro and Temari, make-up."

* * *

"Give me that violet crayon. No, not this one, that's purple."

The two siblings were sitting in front of a wide mirror, an array of makeup paraphernalia spread on the tablet.

"Purple, violet. You think I know the difference?"

Temari rolled her eyes at Kankuro.

"You should, violet is several shades darker."

"Then why didn't you say 'dark purple'?"

Kankuro snorted, cynical.

"Okay. Find me the dark purple one. No, this one's plum. That one's more eggplant."

"Eggplant is a recognized shade now?"

"You'd rather have the fancy word on the label?"

"Oh, shut up and close your eyes. I'm going to apply it now."

"... You know, I can do it myself. Probably a lot better, too."

"Hey! You were the one who wanted to teach me about make-up."

"You were the one who suggested we find something to bond over, and we already did the cleaning-weapons-in-tandem schtick."

"... Shut up. Close your eyes. Close your mouth. Else I swear I'll draw purple butterflies on your forehead."

Grumbling, Kankuro closed his eyes, and let his sister experiment with his make-up. He just hoped she wouldn't crush the edge of his magenta lipliner beyond repair.


	20. Gen AU, Kakashi centric

This is an AU ficlet -- a gen one. I don't know where it's from and I don't know what would happen next, nor do I especially want to find out. If you're inspired, hey, good; I'm not planning on doing it myself. :p

u.u I like the beginning, but the ending, not so much. Curse you, previously nonexistent Kakashi-muse, for suddenly popping in and then leaving before the end.

oOoOo

Kakashi had always had lone wolf tendencies, but then he was considered an oddball in his pack. The eccentric satellite, the one who left and came back without rhyme or reason, the one who could have been alpha if he'd wanted to bother, and responded to wariness and challenges with uncaring affability. Nevertheless, he was still a werewolf; he understood the pack, the support it could give even to those it didn't like. Kakashi hadn't been liked much as a cub; too strange, too enigmatic, too independent, and people who got too close tended to die on him; but he had still been home there.

He'd thought that Sasuke might fit there too; he'd probably never be well-liked, or accepted as dominant, even despite the boy's superior speed and natural weapons and his near-psychotic refusal to submit, but at least Sasuke would have a replacement not-quite-family.

He'd been wrong. Panthers didn't think like that. Panthers had people they liked and people they avoided; and most unlike his regretted uncle Obito, Sasuke didn't like lots of people. He certainly didn't like the she-wolves who flirted with him because he was mysterious, because his human body had a pretty face, and because dallying with him couldn't possibly have any lasting consequences of the squalling, defenseless kind. Sasuke didn't like being hounded for the sole reason that he was the ultimate safe crush; as for his teenage instincts, panthers didn't have much of a sex drive outside of mating season, and the she-wolves' pheromones had absolutely zero effect on him, anyway.

Kakashi was determined to be a good guardian, on the days he remembered, so he regularly left his old porn magazines in Sasuke's bedroom. Werecats or werewolves, boys were boys.

Sasuke had apparently decided to grow up to be nongendered. Oh well. Maybe it was for the best; dating humans never got very far -- and when it did, things invariably turned messy -- and it wasn't with a she-wolf that the brat would repopulate his pride.

Kakashi didn't really mind Sasuke's many, many differences, though; he got to be not-quite-father without having to take a mate -- most wolves didn't actually mate for life; trust Kakashi to be different once again, if only for conforming to silly romantic clichés -- and Sasuke was independent enough not to rob Kakashi of his own independence; and he was sleek and deadly and graceful, and never tripped over his too-large paws, and so hunting with the brat didn't hurt all that much.

Not that he missed Rin and Obito all that keenly, day after day -- it was more like the faint, easily ignored ache of an old wound; but neither did he especially feel like replacing them.

Sasuke was a good substitute; a presence in the apartment, but one that didn't sing and smile at him just because it was a nice day; and a hunting partner who reminded Kakashi a lot more of himself than of Sasuke's dead uncle.

Sometimes, he regretted that they were so alike; it meant that he was probably too panther-like inside to get any closer to the boy. At least Sasuke had the pack; he just had to reach out. However unlikely that was.

Kakashi had always been a lone wolf. Sasuke was learning that, too.


	21. NaruIno, Waterfall

NaruIno for Mischief Maker's birthday. Happy birthday, lovely.

* * *

Ino had her whole line of questioning planned in advance. 'Wow, Naruto, what a surprise to find you here!', and then 'Oh, are you alone today?', to end in 'Where are your teammates, did they abandon you?' 

She knew perfectly well where Forehead-girl was; with the Hokage, leaving them all in the dust. Sometimes that seriously bugged Ino's competitive side; but then sometimes it also really hurt to think of everything Sakura was passing by in her mad quest to make herself worthy of a boy who was dead inside.

... The point was, she didn't know what their new teammate -- Sai, he'd said his name was -- did in his spare time. No one seemed to know; thus, no one could tell her. And if she didn't know, well, she couldn't very well just happen to bump into him, now could she?

It was crazy that no one she knew remembered going to the Academy with that boy. He was probably an extraordinary genius, graduated long before she entered... Mmh.

Sakura had proved distinctly unhelpful about Sai, though. Ino would have thought that she was hoarding him, like she had hoarded Sasuke-kun, but while Ino's type had stayed dark-haired, mysterious, handsome boys in general, Sakura's type had narrowed down to one individual in particular.

Ino got the feeling that Sakura wasn't quite alright with her interest in Sai for some reason... but she would have found the time in her busy schedule to warn Ino if she'd thought Ino needed to know. With a little luck, Naruto would be more forthcoming.

And she knew exactly where he was...

"Wow, Naruto, what a surprise to find you... there..."

... But not what he was doing.

Naruto was standing under the waterfall, wet locks plastered to his neck, water sluicing off his tanned shoulders and back; for a few seconds, as the surface of the river frothed and bubbled white around his waist, she thought he was naked.

He was wearing boxers, as she discovered when he lifted his arms and created another of his swirling jutsu, making the waters part behind him; but it wasn't much better, because they were pale blue and clung to his backside tenaciously.

... Wait, yes, it _was _better. Added a whole teasing, mysterious aspect to the appeal, even though said aspect was far from being mysterious enough to make anything less than an "ohmygod"-grade ass a possibility. Perhaps it even rated a drool-check.

She wasn't drooling over Naruto, though. No way. He was... He was _blond_.

And silly. And too loud. And too tanned. And there was nothing mysterious about him, what you saw was pretty much what you got...

Sai's abdominals were very nice, but they had nothing on Naruto's back.

Except, well, yes, he was too tanned for her usual tastes. He didn't have the pallor she found so noble and romantic; his skin spoke of long hours under the sun. She would be surprised if it was still soft. He probably had calluses in many places...

... like his hands, the hands he held open like claws over his head, parting the waterfall, water dancing in transparent sheets all around him, unveiling and hiding his body again and again, and really, it was a good thing he was tanned, because being as pale as Ino usually liked them would have made him look washed out. What with that hair. The hair Ino didn't like, because manly men had black hair. Which Naruto didn't.

Naruto, she decided as she stepped forward, was very much not her type. Tight, muscled ass or not. She didn't seriously want men who wore their hearts on their sleeves for anyone to see and steal a piece. Men truly worth keeping were men worth pursuing; at least when you finally won their hearts, you knew that they were yours and yours alone.

If you ever managed to reach them.

Naruto probably wouldn't need more than the work it took to reach out and pat that tempting ass.

She was almost glad when he abruptly stopped the jutsu, because the wave suddenly crashing over the riverbank, drenching her legs and spraying her face, was just cold enough to break her out of her crazy sun-induced musings.

"Sorry Ino, didn't see you there!"

Ino wiped droplets off her face and pulled the front of her top away from her skin as the excess water dripped off. She gave Naruto a harried glare.

She kept on pouting at him even as he climbed out of the riverbed; otherwise, she would have had to turn away pointedly because his underwear was just as clingy in the front as in the back.

"Mou, Naruto! This is a new top!" she protested, to keep his attention off his state of undress.

Not that she wanted him to keep being indecently wet. Well... not that she actively wanted him to. She wasn't one to look gift horses in the mouth, either.

"Sorry, sorry. It won't be hurt by a little water, will it?"

Naruto's nipples were brown; water dripped from the lock plastered to his cheekbone and rolled over his collarbone before making its way down his chest.

"Well -- what if I was wearing silk?"

"It's not silk, is it?" Naruto reached out, blinking his clueless, open blue eyes at her, and rolled the edge of her collar between two rough, dripping fingers.

Ino huffed in annoyance, and slipped both hands behind his neck to reel him in for a kiss.

He was taller than she was now, and she didn't know why this was so surprising. And he didn't have a clue what to do with his hands, and her top was now clinging to her skin, where contact with his chest got it wet.

She leaned back into his hands -- strong and large around her waist, and maybe he did make her feel sufficiently owned, protected, cradled -- and glared up at him imperiously. "Geez. You're so careless."

He was still blinking at her uncomprehendingly, but his hands were warm through the chill of the water, and he didn't let go.

This time he kissed her first. He was a little clumsy and a little too enthusiastic -- gave of himself too freely, with nothing left for Ino to coax out -- but his arms were strong, and he was just tall enough to wrap himself around her. He surprised her with a few tricks of his tongue; she leaned against his body and countered his tricks with hers. She wasn't going to let him steal the lead so easily.

Maybe she would ask about Sai another day.

* * *

Toffee: And Naruto... this actually makes me wonder about what _he_ was thinking.  
Me: Naruto's thinking "oh hey, is it Christmas already?" u.u 


	22. Neji and his team, Gen

Gen, Neji and his team.

* * *

Neji didn't need to tilt his head back to really appreciate the size of the cliff looming overhead. He did it anyway. For emphasis.

"You want us to climb _this_."

Gai beamed. "Of course! It's a good exercise, mobilizing many more groups of muscles than are routinely used in tree-walking and sparring."

Neji gave the cliff another look. It looked awfully smooth from down there, and it was a little damp from the breeze that carried a fine mist from the nearby waterfall. "Without chakra?"

"Of course! It is wise to prepare for all sorts of eventualities, after all."

"Do you mean like chakra-detection traps?" Tenten asked, tapping the flat of a three-pronged pick against her palm thoughtfully.

"That also!" Gai grinned at her in approval, and then sobered up slightly. "But several villages, such as the Hidden Rock Village, have several chakra draining techniques."

The three teenagers stood in silence for a few seconds, exchanging serious looks. Earth Country had been behaving conspicuously for the last months; apparently, their teacher believed it might escalate.

"In this case," Neji sighed, and found a roll of bandages in his bag.

His teammates watched him in puzzled silence as he blindfolded himself.

"... Neji?"

"If I have no chakra, then I can't see," Neji replied grimly as he smoothed his hair so that the bandages didn't tug. He had trained to be able to fight without an arm -- without a leg, even, alone and outnumbered; this wasn't too different. It would be quite unpleasant, but he didn't believe in sparing himself.

After a few seconds, Tenten chuckled softly. "As if you couldn't cheat with us none the wiser, if you wanted to," she teased.

"Tenten!" Lee protested, as Neji made his way to the cliff cautiously and felt the rock for cracks. "I'm sure Neji would never cheat, especially on such a noble and perilous self-imposed challenge!"

Neji heard a zipper opening behind him, and the ruffling of someone moving their belongings around in their bag. "Of course he wouldn't," Tenten commented cheerfully. "Here, you hold onto that for me. Neji? What do you think of giving Lee our bags, so he has a little handicap of his own?"

Neji shrugged, and let his sailor bag slide off his shoulder. "That works."

She took it from his hand; the grass whispered under Lee's feet when he stepped closer to take it.

"Now, Lee, I'm trusting you! My best blades and chains are in those scrolls."

"YES MA'AM! I will guard your bags like my own life!"

Neji snorted, and Tenten swallowed a cough.

"... Even better than my own life. I promise!"

Turning to face the cliff more fully, Neji smiled faintly.

Lee with some extra weight, Tenten without her weapons -- he still thought he had the worst part of the bargain. But training was supposed to prepare them to deal with unsavory possibilities, after all.

"My students are so admirable! Taking on such handicaps -- here, Lee! You may carry my bag also."

Gai's hand landed heavily on Neji's shoulder, startling him; but he was too proud to flinch. Behind and a little to the left, Lee was juggling Tenten's, Neji's and Gai's bags -- which contained, on top of standard belongings, the tent, a first aid kit, and many, many training weights.

"Go forth, my beloved students, and conquer this mountaintop! Your glorious teamwork and youthful enthusiasm will carry you to victory!"

Chuckling, Tenten brushed past Neji and up, her sandals scratching softly against the stone. "I'll open the way."

Neji waited a little to leave her some space to maneuver, and then, finding a few cracks as a support, slowly followed the noises she made. He knew Lee would stay under him, ready to catch him if he fell. Enhanced strength and familiarity with chakra-less movement or not, Lee would no doubt fall too, if Neji landed on him; but then, this was why they had Gai.

Not that Neji would fall. He might have the worst part of the bargain, but that didn't mean he wasn't fully able to deal with it on his own anyway.

"Left," Tenten commented cheerfully. "Two hands' width up from your shoulder."

Neji found the handhold, pulled his weight up. Under him, Lee followed, assiduously counting the distance they'd covered.

He didn't _need _his teammates; but sometimes it wasn't too horrible to have them anyway.


	23. sortofItaNeji for Piechan

Quick ItachiNeji thing for my Pie-chan. (is this enough of a bribe for you, love? XD) Divergent timeline. (and no, there's no canon-based reason for my obsession with this pairing; there's a RP I know where they work surprisingly well as a couple, but damn, it's hard to reproduce the same result without these exact circumstances.)

* * *

Itachi has seen him around; a couple of times when his father was invited to the Hyuuga compound; in the halls of the Ninja Academy when he assisted to a parents' reunion instead of his father; at the Chuunin exam, he thinks, where he lost to his little brother's too-loud teammate. He hasn't paid much attention. Hyuugas tend to resemble each other rather a lot. 

When Hyuuga Neji is assigned to his ANBU squad, Itachi isn't overly impressed. Neji has a reputation as having a chip on his shoulder and no sense of humor.

Not that Itachi has any, from what his teammates say. (The last time they saw him expressing outright amusement, he ended up undergoing an early mental health evaluation.) But most people need to laugh sometimes or they eventually break, and Itachi has no time to waste, no care to invest in protecting a teammate who's going to break before he can adapt to the demands of the job anyway.

Neji is rumored to be a genius, though; and Itachi so often grows weary of mediocrity. So he watches.

Neji is a genius -- but one who doesn't believe in sparing himself. One who constantly pushes and pushes his own limits.

And Itachi, who has been falling into a dulling routine full of quickly smothered dreams of real power, feels like he's waking up. He's been chomping at the bit, waiting for his little brother to catch up for so long -- no one else he knows has the potential and the drive, but Sasuke is a late bloomer and Itachi is starting to reconsider his old choice.

He wonders how far the Hyuuga can follow. Probably he will never reach the heights Itachi himself knows he is capable of; the Hyuugas' power is mostly based in Taijutsu, which is fairly limiting, in the end. But in the meantime, he might prove to be an adequate temporary foil.

Neji surprises him. Neji's Taijutsu starts off inferior to Itachi's, for the simple reason that Neji still fights, sometimes, like he's sparring; and even when he's sparring Itachi always fights like he's fighting to kill.

Neji gets over that damn fast.

Besides, Kaiten is unexpectedly practical for dispersing many kinds of Katon. And the strength and precision of those strange jets of raw chakra he's experimenting with keeps growing. Itachi wonders, sometimes, whether Neji would even disperse the black flames of Amaterasu, or whether they would devour him alive.

He doesn't test, not yet. He watches as Neji grows stronger, and he prods him along, and kills everyone who tries to kill Neji. Neji isn't allowed to die until he reaches his full potential.

Unsurprisingly, they often end up partnered.

Neji's sharp intellect is appealing, his views on life and its meaning intriguing; his emotional restraint a welcome relief.

More often than not, he gives as good as he gets. So Itachi gives; perhaps more than he intended, at first. But he's still waiting for the day he'll regret it.

Besides, witty sarcasm and a fine appreciation for Schadenfreude are perfectly acceptable forms of humor.


	24. short AsumaKakashi for Beachlass

For Beachlass, AsumaKakashi, smoking. (reminder, I do not accept random challenges from reviews. Sorry. :p)

* * *

"You know," drawls Kakashi, "when I smoke, I like the satisfaction of knowing I do it to myself."

Asuma snorts, the cigarette briefly bobbing at the corner of his mouth before he plucks it. "Go ahead."

Kakashi arches his one visible eyebrow; he makes a show of taking the cigarette, and lifting it to his face, and then... nothing.

Asuma chuckles, shaking his head. "You could also take off your mask, you know."

"I could," Kakashi replies placidly.

He doesn't.

Asuma watches him for a few seconds, and then he leans forward, takes a deep drag, and tugs Kakashi closer. Beard against mask, it's a scratchy kiss. Asuma blows the smoke slowly through the cloth; under his lips, Kakashi's quirk up in amusement.

Second-hand smoke isn't all bad, finally.


	25. SasuNaru, olives for Whytecrow

SasuNaru, Olives -- for Whytecrow. Random stupid silliness.

* * *

"How can you EAT that?" Naruto made a face like he was dying. "They're disgusting! They taste all ICK and BWERK and PTOO, and then there's the stupid pit, I almost broke a tooth last time! No, seriously, how can you eat that?"

Sasuke rolled his eyes and picked up another olive. "Easy. I put it in my mouth." He chewed a bit, and spat the pit to the side. "And then I swallow."

Naruto was pouting. "There's gotta be a trick."

"... Yes. Yes, you're right, it's a conspiracy to prevent you from eating olives." Sasuke reached out and nabbed Naruto's plate.

"HEY! Those are MY olives, you bastard!"

"You can't eat them," Sasuke countered calmly, and popped them in his mouth.

"I haven't given them to you!" Naruto screeched.

Sasuke rolled his eyes again, put the plate aside, grabbed Naruto's collar to reel him in, and kissed him full on the mouth.

"Here. Now you have them back, so shut up."

Naruto blinked owlishly at him for a few seconds, and then his face scrunched up again. "EW! SPIT-COVERED OLIVES! ASSHOLE!"

Sasuke huffed. It was the last time he sacrificed his olives for the idiot. 


	26. ItaSasu, Sick, dark

Short, **Uchihacest**. R-rated. "But ItachixSasuke is just so sick and WRONG!" "Um, yes, honey, that's kind of _the whole point_."

* * *

You know that it's sick. You hate him. He despises you.

You crave his hands all over you. Caresses or cuts, his blade or his cock; it's all the same.

It's sick and twisted, and so very cruel; but you're doing it to yourself because you don't know what else to do. Because there's no one to tell you not to. Because you want it, and you lie when you tell yourself you don't know why.

But then, what can you do? You hate and you despise and you miss, you miss him, why did he ? You don't get it. You loved him. Everyone loved him. He loved you -- no, he didn't, that was nothing but a lie -- oh god, you miss him. You want him dead, dead, dead for doing that to you. Not _this_ -- the broken bones and the whispers in your ear, this is nothing, this is everything, this doesn't matter. _That_. The only 'that' for you.

You know you don't even care about the cousins and uncles -- you only care that he was half of your whole world, and he destroyed the other half and then left, left you alone, left you behind. And if he will only touch you like that, then maybe -- hah! maybe _nothing_, you will pretend and let him believe he's fooling you just so you can kill him, make him _pay_ -- it almost feels like he loves you.


	27. Gaara, Sakura, Sandstorm

for Shukaku in Drag, Gaara, Sakura, gen. Prompt: 'Sandstorm'

* * *

Outside the wind howled; the shutters rattled and rang under a million grains of sand. Inside, it was almost perfectly silent, just the faint clicks and whispers of fabric of Haruno Sakura putting her medical instruments in the sink.

Gaara sat on the edge of the infirmary bed, staring at his hands. They rested lax in his lap; the back of the left one had a little bandage stuck over a vein, to keep it clean until it clotted.

Sakura was rinsing out the syringe, calm and efficient as she erased all traces of blood from the equipment; she didn't react to the weight of his gaze.

She had been the third person to make him bleed; now that Shuukaku was gone, she wouldn't be the last.

It was terrifying.

He should have been watching her more closely, he knew. It had been hard enough to compromise between the necessity to check Gaara for residual drugs and the necessity for Sakura to protect her trade secrets. In her hurry to save Kankurou, she had already betrayed quite a few. They had wanted someone else in the infirmary to watch; she had refused. They had talked of asking another medic-nin to check him over; he had refused. She was better with poisons than any of his men, and as far as he was concerned, Konoha had proved its loyalty.

She was loyal to Naruto, too, as Naruto was loyal to her; and that told Gaara even more.

He wasn't really afraid of her turning around and murdering him now. She had been polite, competent and professional. She had even smiled.

If she had been under orders to poison him, she would have smiled more.

She knew that he wasn't the same person who had tried to kill her teammates anymore; but Gaara was pretty sure that she hadn't forgotten. Asking for forgiveness seemed out of place; not to mention that Haruno Sakura mattered to him only in the distant way that everything which mattered to Naruto did.

The wind still howled; the silence was deafening. "Haruno."

"Yes, Kazekage-sama?" she asked pleasantly; she didn't look at him.

He watched her dry her utensils, cautiously put them away in her backpack. She was smiling politely, and for a second she reminded him of Yashamaru again; but the last shreds of Yashamaru's ghost had finally left him, along with Shuukaku, and then she was just Haruno Sakura again. Naruto's teammate; the one he had almost killed because she refused to let him kill Uchiha Sasuke.

"...Thank you."

She paused; didn't turn to face him. Her refusal to acknowledge his gaze was less of an avoidance than her smiles.

"I didn't do it for you."

The door closed quietly behind her, and Gaara was alone in the silence again. Outside, the sandstorm kept raging; but it was no longer part of him.


	28. NaruHina, Save You

LOOK. LOOK. I WROTE NARUHINA. _I can do eet!_

Well, okay, pre-naruhina. And, er, yeah, not even that special. I SAY IT STILL COUNTS. YES IT DOES. XP

For my Teamwork readers, the chapter is almost complete, but of course there's still the most important scene to complete. Nngh.

* * *

They've been running for a day and they aren't catching up quickly enough. They're faster, but the enemy was well-prepared. Intricate false trails abound; even Neji can't see through them at first glance, or even at second. Kiba and Akamaru can barely breathe for the stink in their noses -- but they run anyway. 

Naruto runs with them. And he doesn't give a rat's ass that they're supposed to let the Cloud nins go if the bastards cross the frontier. Kiba won't care either. And for all his respect of the law and authority and the Hokage's strict orders, Neji won't, either. Naruto remembers his words in the stadium, so long ago; lingering distance between them or not, he doubts Neji is ever going to let Hidden Cloud get the person his father died to protect.

Besides, Naruto hasn't saved the Hyuuga yet, and he can't do that if Hinata isn't there. She needs to see it, too.

So when Neji sucks in a startled breath, Naruto doesn't slow down, but plows through... whatever it is that Neji saw.

As it turns out, Neji wasn't staring at another trap.

There's a dozen of Cloud ninjas standing there in combat stances -- not running -- and he thinks that maybe Kiba, Neji and him did herd them into Shino's trap.

For all of two seconds.

And then he sees, too.

It was strange that they would target her again, because Hinata is not a toddler anymore, not easily transportable; but after the last time, they know better than to take a sealed Hyuuga. Of the few unsealed people in her clan -- apart, maybe, from a few old warhorses who never leave the compound anymore -- she is widely known as the weakest.

She flows between her enemies. She's like a feather in the wind. Graceful, small, unthreatening -- but you rush toward her and it's like the air itself twirls her away. It's a dance, where she knows everyone's moves and matches them effortlessly.

He only thinks of moving again when it looks like they're going to tackle her en masse -- but then Kiba and Akamaru rush through with a fierce yell. Hinata dodges like they've repeated this a hundred times before, and then she's following in their wake and striking down any who still stands.

Two men try to run; Neji sends them flying.

Naruto is still standing there and staring.

Trotting back, Akamaru whines a question; Hinata beams and scratches his heavy head, reassures Kiba when he points to the ugly rope burns on her pale wrists. She bows quickly toward Neji, who sighs, shakes his head and pretends she didn't; and then she turns around and starts.

"Ah! Naruto-kun!" A pause -- a shy, surprised smile blooming. "What... What are you doing here?"

Saving you, he wants to say. But his mind is still full of that grace and competence, that quiet determination.

"I. Uh."

One of the Cloud ninjas twitches; before he can react, Hinata gasps and runs past him to knock out the enemy again. Just a light touch at the base of the neck, and he's out like a light. Kiba laughs and throws everyone a roll of wire each; and then they start hogtying the unconscious men.

"I'm -- I'm sorry, Naruto-kun, what were you...?"

He stares at her, with her long flowing hair and the too-generous, un-Hyuuga curves she hides under her oversized clothes, dainty, callused feet, bruised hands demurely smoothing down her rumpled jacket. And her soft, shy smile, and her reddened cheeks.

"Were you going to -- to say something?"

"...Yeah," he finally answers. And then he grins. "_Yeah_. When we get home, d'you wanna spar with me?"


	29. drabble, naruto, sasuke, the end

Not even long enough to be a drabble, and not even what I wanted to write. Oh well.

* * *

Naruto's voice is soft, the kind of softness that comes from having raged and screamed until something broke. "I wish I could still forgive you."

Sasuke's voice matches his, quiet and full of jagged shards under the flash of tenderness. "It's okay," he says, and his wry little smirk belongs to someone else, a cocky little brat who hadn't killed yet, who's been dead for so long. "I can't forgive me either."

They strike together, mirrored, perfect synch.

This time there isn't anyone left to stop them.


	30. chap347spoil,sasuke,sai,konohamaru faito

Fallout for chapter n° 347, therefore spoilerish for that chapter (like the whole fandom doesn't already know. XD) Also pure crack.

Genre: humor, crack, comedic violence  
Sasuke POV, after a hypothetical return to Konoha.

* * *

"Hmm. Konohamaru didn't get your proportions quite right."

Sasuke didn't like Sai's voice -- or Sai himself, to be truthful, interloping annoyance that he was -- and tended to find his comments either inane or monumentally stupid. Most of the time, he just used all the frozen indifference he had learned to muster in his life to tune him out.

But it wasn't everyday Naruto was stopped cold in the middle of another of his "you're the biggest jerkwad who's ever jerked in the history of ever" diatribes without the judicious application of a fist to the stomach. It wasn't everyday that Sakura sprayed her mouthful of sake hard enough to splatter everything in a four feet radius.

... The way the annoying little brat paled and dived between the couch and the wall wasn't very auspicious, either.

So Sasuke turned on his heel, slowly. Sai was seated behind him, hands folded in front of his mouth, giving Sasuke one of his trademark vacuous, deadpan looks. The look was so empty of all thought and emotion Sasuke needed a couple of seconds to realize that the critical once-over he was given was, more than probably, Sai's way of checking him out.

Sasuke tilted his head and narrowed his eyes. "What, exactly, do you mean?"

Suddenly Sakura's sake cup was teetering on the table, bumping into Sasuke's and Naruto's abandoned glasses; Sakura herself had just teleported to Sai's side and was now grinning up innocently, an arm around Sai's throat and the other hand pressed on his mouth. "Nothing! Nothing, really."

Behind him, Naruto stammered. "Yeah -- yeah, nothing -- hey! Weren't we having an argument? Don't turn your back on me, asshole!"

It would have sounded more convincing if it hadn't come across as more panicked than offended. But Sakura didn't show any signs that she planned on letting go of Sai; he was starting to turn blue from lack of oxygen.

When Sasuke loomed over them, she drew the interloper closer, grip tightening; but Sasuke merely leaned past Sai's shoulder to fish Konohamaru from behind the couch.

"Hey! Leave Konohamaru alone, he didn't do anything!" Naruto protested when Sasuke lifted the little brat by his collar.

"...Really, now." Sasuke didn't think this -- with the huge 'oh shit' eyes -- was the face of an innocent.

Sakura let go of Sai and waved her hands nervously. "Yes, yes, really, he just --"

"I believe it was a Kage Bunshin combined with a Henge no Jutsu."

Naruto and Sakura whirled around and snarled at Sai in unison. "SHUT UP!"

... No, not suspicious at all. Sasuke ignored them, their angry looks at the annoying wannabe, and their worrying at Sasuke himself, and redirected his attention to what his instincts told him was the guilty party. "... And then?"

Konohamaru gave him the kind of defiant look of someone who's trying not to piss his pants. "I -- I'm not afraid of you! Naruto-niisan won't let you do anything to me--urk."

Sasuke watched the brat dangle from his fist by the collar for a few seconds, before he repeated conversationally, "And then?"

"It's not my fault --"

Sasuke narrowed his eyes, in a way that meant 'try again'.

"--I wouldn't have had to use it if your ugly hag teammate wasn't only weak against pretty boys -- she asked for it -- Naruto-niisan, heeelp!"

"WHAT did you call me?!" Sakura erupted, waving her fists angrily. "What did you just say, you snot-nosed little punk? Huh? Huh?"

Sasuke blinked slowly. Konohamaru, more used to her temper, only closed his hands on Sasuke's wrist for support and yelled back, secure in the knowledge that she wouldn't shove her teammate out of the way. "I said, SAKURA-NEECHAN IS A FAG KIND OF HAG!"

"W-what? No! I'm not into that stuff at all -- you called me a hag again!"

...Sasuke concluded that Sakura was drunk. And Konohamaru was apparently willing to risk her wrath rather than Sasuke's.

Because what he would do to the little brat might be worse.

Because. Fag hag? Weak against pretty boys? ..._Proportions_?

Sakura wasn't drunk enough to miss the way Sasuke's face changed with his understanding. Konohamaru wasn't drunk at all, and he couldn't have turner paler if he tried, but he tried anyway.

"... So. Let me guess. You changed into me..."

"And me," Sai added conversationally from his seat on the couch. Sasuke twitched. Sai graced him with one of his vacuous smiles. "We were having sex."

There was a moment of perfect silence and stillness, like one might find at the eye of a cyclone, as Sasuke decided whether he wanted to hurt Konohamaru or Sai more.

"OH MY GOD NARUTO-NIICHAN SAVE ME I'M GOING TO DIE!"

Sasuke was going to fix the one of his problems he had in hand, when Naruto bellowed a battle cry and launched himself at him.

"DON'T HURT MY BEST STUDENT!"

"He's your ONLY student," Sakura commented. Sasuke was a bit busy being tackled through a chair and into the hardwood floor to join in the discussion. Growling, he kicked Naruto off him (and into a wall) and jumped back on his feet, scanning the room for the little pest.

"AAH NARUTO-NIICHAN YOU SUCK I'M APPRENTICING TO SAKURA-NEECHAN INSTEAD!"

"Hey!" Sakura and Naruto chorused. Konohamaru was clinging to her waist and refusing to let go.

Sasuke paused in front of them and drew himself up. "Sakura. Step aside."

Sakura finished off her sake and smiled brightly at him. "Sure."

"H-HEY!"

Sasuke reached for the brat, to help Sakura peel him off her waist. That was the moment Naruto chose to tackle Sasuke to the floor again.

Sasuke had to admit, even with the bruised back and the rather too intimate meetings with hard surface, he liked brawling better than the kind of stiff, awkward, let's-get-drunk-it's-better-than-actually-talking, we-still-love-you-really party he had stupidly subjected himself to.

At some point, he lost track of Konohamaru, but it didn't matter anymore. It was Naruto's fault for teaching the brat his stupid tricks and encouraging him. It was Naruto's fault for nagging and blackmailing Sasuke into hanging out with the brat and the interloper. Everything was always Naruto's fault. (Except when it was Sakura's fault, but Sasuke was pretty sure that could also be chalked up to Naruto in some way.) Besides, hitting him was the best way to unwind Sasuke had ever known.

... though the size of the room made anything but a good old close-combat brawl impossible.

Unexpectedly, Sakura didn't try to stop them all that long; but Sasuke was too busy rolling around on the floor with his best friend-enemy to really wonder about her lack of fretting. And there were punches and insults and angry snarls, and Naruto bit him and Sasuke headbutted him in the nose, and then there were wrestling holds and straddling and all that good stuff, and seriously, who cared about Konohamaru or Sai anymore.

They were at the end of their seventh rolling-around-until-you-hit-the-other-wall circuit, and taking a breather, glaring hotly at each other -- Sasuke was on top this time! Hah, take that, bitch -- when Sai nodded slowly and opened his big fat stupid mouth again.

"Hmm, yes... The proportions weren't quite right."

Sasuke turned his head, slowly. The very slowness would have reminded anyone with a brain of a predator about to pounce. Sai tilted his head and nodded.

"You're a little pudgier around the hips."

Screw Naruto. Sasuke was going to kill _him_.

And he didn't want to know what Sakura was sighing dreamily at.

* * *

Mm, crack. Don't ask me why only those characters are present at the welcome-home-let's-get-drunk party. Or why Sasuke has a hate-on for Sai. It's not Sai-bashing, I just love writing jealous!Sasuke. XD 


	31. Why Orochimaru loved

_This was in response to the Why Character A Loves Character B Meme._

* * *

Orochimaru never fell in love with Tsunade. She's powerful and determined and smart, and she's so full of cracks, for someone so much larger than life. She'd be a challenge to manipulate, as blind as she can be on some things, and as mule-headed on others. She seems made for him, and even now, he is still fond of her; but in the end, the only jutsus she wants to know are those she uses to heal or protect other people. He can't help but despise someone whose biggest success is shortening her lifespan while she lengthens others'.

Orochimaru never fell in love with Kimimaro, because he didn't even have to bend him to his own ends; Kimimaro bent and molded himself. You don't fall for a weapon.

Orochimaru never fell in love with Kabuto, because Kabuto knew what got Orochimaru's full interest and was always careful to give him enough compliance to be too boring to mold, and just enough hints of disloyalty to make sure Orochimaru would never be sure of how true any submission was. Orochimaru molded him anyway, but never farther than necessary. He doesn't want to deprive himself of such an efficient weapon. Besides, Kabuto always had something of a twisted mind; there wasn't much left to break.

He fell in love with Sasuke, as much as he could love anything, because Sasuke was strong and dark and so perfectly suited to Orochimaru's ends, and through him Orochimaru would be made perfect. They were so similar in some ways and so different in others, and Sasuke was curiously brittle for someone so strong and curiously strong for someone so moldable. Orochimaru lived their mutual manipulation and battle of wills as a seduction, up until the second he realized that he had lost.

After that he hated him for daring to grow past him, but then it was too late to change anything.


	32. Team7 gen, angst and then crack

quick team 7 drabble for Crystal Renee.  
Warning: Angst, character death.  
(secondary warning: if you like your angst, don't read the fix-it drabble at the end. XD)

* * *

Weird how even as Kakashi falls, Sasuke keeps thinking "It's a good thing I never let him grow closer, that way it will hurt less." And then he slumps and he doesn't move and then there's the rest of the fight -- free-for-all, total chaos. When Sasuke kills Itachi he isn't thinking "I hate you, brother;" he isn't thinking "I loved you, brother;" he isn't thinking "Father, Mother;" (or maybe a little. A lot.) He's thinking "Kakashi gave you his life so you wouldn't have Naruto's and Sakura's; I'm not letting you take them." Except shorter, and more furious, and "not again."

And when his brother falls, too, and Naruto's flesh bubbles closed and Sakura's hands glow green against her own pierced lung, and they both stumble to Sasuke, all Sasuke can think is "not in vain, not in vain."

Then it's dark for a while, and he's not sure why, but when he opens his eyes again, there's a tree with dancing leaves overhead, and he knows Itachi is dead, and Kakashi is dead, and he's mourning and doesn't know for who. Both, maybe, the brother he hated more than anything in the world, because only great love can lead to the greatest hate, and the teacher he pretended to himself he didn't care about, who tried his best to save him but of course Sasuke knew better and didn't allow him to. In the end he saved Sasuke anyway, and in the end not allowing him closer doesn't make the pain much more manageable at all, and Sasuke was wrong.

And now it's too late, and he's surprised to notice that it feels a little like being orphaned again; that sense of living in a house where bricks have been knocked loose from the foundations. It's still standing, it's still doing what a house does, and you can repaper the walls and put flowers on the windowsill, but you still never trust it again to be solid and permanent. There's something missing from the foundations of your world and it's never going to be as familiar and safe ever again.

A few feet away, he can hear semi-familiar voices; Suigetsu and Karin, bickering with a rough-voiced young man he thinks he should recognize; the soft whispers of the Hyuuga girl. Sakura can stay quiet sometimes, but it's a bit strange that he can't hear Naruto.

He opens his eyes, and here they are, on the grass on either side of him. Sakura's fingers are knotted tight in his tattered sleeve; she's not asleep, though she pretends. Naruto sits against the tree, and doesn't even look at him. Sasuke would have expected more attention; but then when he sits up, he sees that Naruto is staring at a body on the ground with a jounin jacket pulled over his face, and he understands the silence.

There should be yells for their reunion, there should be pouncing and punches and furious insults, there should be demands for promises to never, ever do it again; there aren't.

Team Seven sit in silence, and they watch Kakashi's body, and they don't say anything, because, in a way that's stronger than mere words, it's all been said already.

* * *

_and now... The crack._

* * *

"I'll miss him," Sakura said, breaking the silence first. 

Naruto nodded. "Yeah. He was the best teacher I ever had. ... Well, Jiraiya knows cooler jutsu. And I guess Iruka's better at the actual teaching part. But, yeah. Okay, so he didn't entirely suck."

"He was a goddamn idiot who couldn't choose between putting his nose in my business where it wasn't wanted and pretending he wasn't seeing what you two were up to because that meant he could get away with not doing jack shit about it."

"Hey, that's a little unfair," Sakura protested.

"Also, he was a goddamn pervert."

"... Okay, _this_ is fair."

There was a moment of silence.

"... At least now I guess we can finally see what's behind that stupid mask."

"Naruto!" protested Sakura. "That's disrespectful!"

Naruto blinked, and gave her and her outstretched fingers a long, unconvinced look. Behind them, Sasuke snorted. "While you're at it, his money's in his inner pocket. -- _What_? The party in honor of his death won't pay for itself."

Of course, Kakashi waited until Sakura had her fingers under the edge of his mask and Naruto a hand in his pocket before opening his eyes, grinning genially at them, and sitting up.

Sasuke and Naruto gave an ear-splitting girly scream; Sakura was too frozen to imitate them.

"So that's how it is, hm?"

Kakashi's eye glinted happily. Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura whimpered.

"Ahh, my cute little students. You've been slacking off, haven't you. We're going to remedy that."

They heard the triple scream of unholy terror even back in Konoha, but of course, that didn't save Team Seven from a super-special, zombie-Kakashi-style, a-thousand-generations-of-pain training session.


	33. Birthdays snippet collection

_Written for the __"three things that character received on his or her birthday" meme. Het and yaoi, some are disturbing, some are cracktastic, and some are very much Bring Your Own Subtext._

* * *

**Naruto's bestest BEST presents ever**:

- Kunoichi gone WILD!! extended edition. Shika, you have the _best _taste in presents. Really. Glad to see that brain's worth something!

- Paid tab at the Ichiraku ramen, plus **six! months!** of paid meals. (as long as there's only two bowls a meal.) Iruka-sensei, you have no idea what it means to me. ;.;

- ... a kiss from Sakura-chan :D :D :D (okay, it was only on the cheek, so what. Oooh, Sakura-chan) and a headpat from Sasuke. Bastard. (didn't like it at all and it's not the first time he's ever touched me kinda gently. At all. Really.)

* * *

For Sasuke's eighteenth birthday, Naruto gives him back his Konoha headband, and his place in their team, and his status as a ninja.

For Sasuke's twenty-fifth birthday, Tsunade gives him back his clan, officially pardoned and reinstated.

For Sasuke's thirtieth birthday, his wife gives him back his family.

* * *

Kakashi's presents are:

-His kids taking him to a restaurant, except he hasn't found them good missions in a while so as their revenge he gets to pay his fourth of the bill,  
-Upon hearing of the joyous occasion, the dubious pleasure of having the owner of said restaurant offer him a senior discount (stupid gray hair)  
-getting home to find Iruka and Anko glaring at each other as their surprise is spoiled. Kakashi is a man of opportunities, though, and he's not letting this one pass him by. (in the morning, his kids are traumatized, but that will teach them not to come hound him in his house for bills left unpaid.)

* * *

When Sakura turns fourteen, Ino gets her a surprise party.

When Sakura turns fifteen, Naruto takes her out on a date.

When Sakura turns sixteen, Sasuke comes home.

* * *

Kisame, Hidan and Deidara are smirking. Itachi wouldn't bother to care, except it's directed at him. It can't be good.

"So you're legal today, un?"

... Oh, hell.

Deidara insists to get him drunk. (Deidara gets drunk first. It's not a total waste of time; the feeling of drunkenness gives Itachi new Genjutsu ideas, and Deidara is too wasted to make testing them on him difficult.)

Hidan prays for him to get in lots of good, bloody carnage today, and then makes it happen when he pisses off some guys in the bar. (God helps those who help themselves, seriously. He then goes and steals Itachi's kills. It's fine; Hidan himself is more interesting as far as targets go.)

Kisame just smirks a lot, all the time they're in the bar, and all the time they're going home, and even more so when he wishes Itachi goodnight.

His foolish little brother is trussed up in a corner, covered in inked seals, and glaring for all he's worth.

Itachi makes a mental note to tell Kisame how pleased he is to have chosen him as a partner, out of all the possibilities.

* * *

For Suigetsu's twentieth birthday, Sasuke offers him an unvoiced, implied "we are friends."

Karin gets him a dehumidifier. The bitch.

Kisame gives him the hardest fight of his life, and then his head, and his sword.

* * *

the first year...

Yeah, like getting your legs broken and your spine compressed or whatever is any kind of fucking present. Great present, six months in a fucking wheelchair. Could have been killed instead, huh, that what you say, shithead? Well maybe I would have prefered to! Goddamn Leaf bastard.

...and the next...

My own shogi board. What the fuck am I s'posed to do with it, like I can play alone maybe? Or with the guards maybe? You're just too fucking lazy to keep bringing your own, eh.

...and the next.

What the fuck! Now, I'm sure you don't mean that. So don't toy with me! Okay? just don't. I couldn't take -- I couldn't -- oh.

... I admit nothing, you fucking bitch.

_kiss me again._

* * *

Jiraiya's best birthday ever happens after a very successful mission where the client was so impressed she gave him five jugs of her best sake. Afterwards, Jiraiya claims long and loud that his best present was the kiss that a drunk Tsunade gave him, made even better by the fact that she doesn't remember and he loves infuriating her.

Orochimaru and him both remember the handjob under the table, but neither of them ever talks about it.

* * *

Kyuubi is too ancient to remember birthdays.

He still celebrates each century, though. This year, he celebrates it with a feast made of flesh and blood from a thousand humans and more, and pleasure forced out of a hundred, and a fight to the death with one.

He loses.

He will always remember that day.

* * *

Kiba's presents the year he turns seventeen.

-Flea dip. Haha, Naruto, you're so funny. It was funny last year, too. No, really.

-Ino, naked but for a leather collar.

-A long walk on the beach with his partner of forever. And lots of fun fetching sticks thrown at the sea.

* * *

This year, like every other year, Kakashi offers him a duel. Gai cries manly tears at the overwhelming chivalry possessing his greatest rival. (really, it's because Kakashi is a cheap bastard.)

This year, like every other year, Lee offers him the gift of his renewed promise to never give up, always get stronger, and his deep admiration.

This year -- not like every other year -- Anko offers him a thong.

He wears it, because at least it doesn't make lines under the green spandex, and he is glad to reassure everyone that the rumor is wrong: it is very far from being uncomfortable.

* * *

The best presents Kabuto has ever received, by increasing order of importance:

-Scalpels; a whole series, all subtly different, all perfected for one specific task;

-The love and trust of his adoptive father, which made killing him and passing it off as an accident so laughingly easy;

-Orochimaru-sama's purpose, which he wasn't sure he wanted, and now cannot do without.


	34. NaruSasu, Catharsis

Did a meme over at my LJ where I asked people to give me a pairing and a mood, and I would write them a drabble for it. The moods vary, of course, and since I offered many fandoms, a lot of the pairings are crossover pairings. I'm not sure if I should post them here anyway. Maybe I'll post the crossovers separately...

Anyway, this one is for Adi. **NaruSasu, Catharsis. **Warnings, some vague sort-of MANGA SPOILERS, plus a lot of extrapolation.

* * *

Sasuke's eyelids flicker, and he tries to sit up a little straighter in his hospital bed. Of course his ribs tell him that he shouldn't, but he doesn't listen to pain, hasn't listened for a while. He stares at the blond young man sitting at his bedside, who just a few seconds ago leaned over him and undid the padded restraints and kissed him, stiff and awkward and painfully sincere. Sasuke doesn't understand the kiss. He doesn't understand the restraints. He doesn't understand anything.

He wants to ask why he's free. But that would be acknowledging how vulnerable he is, so he doesn't.

He wants to ask why he can see.

So of course instead he asks about what just happened.

"What the hell was that, dead-last?"

"A kiss," Naruto snaps back with predictable, welcome fire. The fire turns banked too fast, though, becomes flustered awkwardness. "You know, Sakura-chan told me that her mom taught her how to heal people with a kiss." He eyes Sasuke's body doubtfully. There are more bandages than intact skin.

"It's going to need a lot of kissing," Sasuke replies dryly, before he can think. A grin blooms on Naruto's face.

Sasuke would stare at it all day, but it would just remind him of the question he cannot ask. His one unbroken hand lifts, touches his cheek, his eyelid. It's not even puffy. He doesn't get it.

Naruto's smile has gone underground again. He reaches for Sasuke's hand, pulls it away from the seeking pattern Sasuke is tracing and tracing again around his eye socket. He leans forward, and kisses his brow, and when Sasuke closes his eyes, he kisses his eyelid too.

Awkward. Unsure. Sincere. ...Nice.

"He gave them back," Naruto whispers, so quietly Sasuke barely hears. "When Tobi -- Madara... who the fuck ever he was. When you wouldn't let me die. He gave them back."

Sasuke would shake himself apart if he started breathing again, so he doesn't. He's steady like the last second before the avalanche.

"... My brother."

"Yeah. Your brother."

Naruto doesn't say anything as Sasuke's shoulders tremble soundlessly and a damp spot spreads on his orange shirt. He plays with Sasuke's hair, at the back where it's been shorn and sticks up, soft like the fur of a cat.

A hour or two later, he kisses Sasuke's lips again, and his tongue flicks at the salty wetness afterwards.

"So? Healed yet?"

Sasuke snorts in contempt, though he doesn't straighten up yet. "No."

"Hey, they do so work!"

Sasuke doesn't point out that if they worked at all, it was only because Sakura happens to be a medic-nin. He could, but that's not what comes out at all. "Then it's just that yours are too weak."

"... That just means you need to be dosed up a lot of times."

Sasuke blows his nose and nods thoughtfully. "Yeah, probably."

Naruto kisses him again. This time Sasuke kisses back.


	35. ItachiSai, Buzzed

Another one from the kissing meme, where I asked people to give me a pairing and mood and I wrote them a kiss. Meritjubet asked for "Itachi/Sai, buzzed." ... So you see, it's not my fault. XD

Warnings for creepiness and use of Japanese.

* * *

The other members of Akatsuki often asked the same questions when they entered the common room and saw him sitting there, smiling as friendly as he could. "Who is he?" "What is he doing here?" "No, I mean, what is he doing _here_?"

"Sai," "Konoha's Danzou's envoy" and "Because at least like this I'm sure he's not sneaking around" were the laconic answers from the man they called Pain. In a couple of cases, he even added "Why? Are you so worried about his abilities that you think he could take you down if you had even just one glass?"

Uchiha Itachi didn't ask any of that. He went straight for his glass, drank it down, held it out for a refill, and then spent two minutes staring fixedly at Sai.

Sai kept smiling like a pretty doll.

"You look like my brother," Itachi remarked emotionlessly.

"Oh, really?" Sai replied, with as much emotion as he put behind everything else.

Itachi emptied his glass, got a second refill, and asked Sai his first and only question.

"Do you want to have sex?"

Sai considered it. Danzou-sama had told him to make himself useful and agreeable if he didn't want to die. "Of course." A smile.

He followed Itachi out of the room, two steps behind, quiet and amenable, and asked his first question of the evening, because it was a mission parameter he needed and he didn't want to do it wrong.

"Should I call you aniki?"

Itachi stopped walking right there in the middle of the corridor; Sai didn't have any time to draw out a weapon before his back hit the wall. And then there was a mouth on his, so bruisingly hard it might have been an attack after all.

"Niisan." Itachi's voice was soft like the whisper of a snake through the grass. "Call me niisan."


	36. NaruHina, Distressed

_Another one from the kissing meme, where I asked people to give me a pairing and mood and I wrote them a kiss. Mikkeneko asked for "NaruHina, Distressed." I have many other kisses written, but a lot of them are crossover pairings and I'm not sure where to post them. (I also have two Teamwork-verse ficlets, but one of them is spoilerific. The other one is going up later tonight or maybe tomorrow.)_

* * *

"Oh no -- Naruto-kun, get up, please -- get up!"

Hinata's hands fluttered nervously over the boy's chest. She thought he was still breathing, but she couldn't tell for sure; he was alive, his chakra still flowed -- she could see it -- but he'd cracked his head on the edge of the pool pretty hard, and that was before he slipped and disappeared underwater.

What should she do? She couldn't panic now. She'd learned CPR -- it wasn't hard. She still remembered how to. ...And at least her first kiss would still go to Naruto, in a way. A hand holding up her towel, she leaned down and turned her cheek to his lips, to try to feel his breath. She heard a funny little gasp, and his chest started ... And then went utterly still again.

"Naruto-kun!" Cheeks pale now with worry for him, she pressed her lips to Naruto's and exhaled.

And again. And again. Until she was dizzy, until he breathed on his own, until... until his hand was in her hair, and he was looking at her with soft eyes, and, oh, he was calling, "Hinata-chan," so softly...

Her sight blurred with tears of relief, and she kissed him again, properly this time. She'd been so scared.

Of course, she forgot to keep a good hold on her towel.

Then she had to administr CPR again, but by then she had the trick down and it didn't take her half as long to bring Naruto around again.

* * *

_"Okay, okay, I'll tell you how it happened! So we were at the pool, when suddenly Hinata's swimsuit breaks a strap, and then THE RACK! It was divine, I swear, I thought I saw angels..."_


	37. KarinSasuke, chakra vampire, frustrated

For Mischief Maker: Karin/Sasuke, frustrated.

* * *

Karin dropped little kisses all over his neck, up and down and up again, nibbling and licking. Sasuke was statue-still, expression remote and displeased.

"Karin. Get off."

"I'm trying to!" she whined.

Her hands were starting to inch up his shirt. He caught her wrists, held them away, but she only shivered in renewed arousal and used her natural bendiness to press herself close. It strained her joints to the edge of pain, but that was fine with her.

"How many times do I have to tell you no before it sticks?"

Damn. She needed to switch tracks on the conversation right now. "I thought you were supposed to take care of us! You're our leader, right?"

Sasuke blinked slowly, disbelieving. "It's not like intercourse is necessary to your survival."

Karin hung her head and bit her lip. "... Actually..."

"... You're _joking_," he said flatly.

Karin stilled in his hold, though she kept putting her weight on her wrists so the muscles in her shoulders burned deliciously. "You remember how I heal people?"

"By absorbing your chakra via biting. How is that relevant to your need to have sex with me?"

She shivered at the memory of how good that particular pain felt. "It's not biting that does it. It's mingling our chakra fields, via putting a part of your body inside mine."

Sasuke gave her an incredulous look, annoyed. "So you could fuck me back to health. Great. I'm not injured."

Karin's eyes glazed over at the thought. Argh! She needed to concentrate on the here and now. Her fantasy blood-soaked Sasuke could wait. She lowered her head, like sharing a secret she had been trying to keep. "You don't get it, I need to get chakra from somewhere! I've been using a lot recently, and I just... Well, I can't make it up on my own. Sasuke, my body is _starving_. Literally."

He frowned, then, and she could see he was starting to believe her. She leaned closer, a pleading, vulnerable look on her face.

"... So you're... A kind of chakra vampire?"

"Well -- I suppose. Actually -- it's closer to succubus." Sasuke's eyelid twitched at the word, and she could see he was a little bothered. She did her best to look hungry and not horny. "Though I guess it would also work if you cut me open and put your hand--"

"_No_."

She was a little disappointed, to be frank; healing afterwards would be a pain, but there was something exceedingly intimate about someone's fingers on your inner organs.

Sasuke sighed loudly, pushed her off, and... let her wrists go, freeing her. "Alright."

_Yessss!_

"Juugo! Come here."

And as she blinked in shock, in the middle of reaching for him, Sasuke arched an eyebrow at her. "He has a lot more chakra to spare than I do."

"Wha -- hey -- _no_!"

"You're starving, aren't you? " Sasuke said, implacable and not half as fooled as she had thought.

Karin hung her head. Well damn. "...Nevermind."


	38. NaruSasuSaku, on adding Sai in

From my dialogue meme over at LJ. For Aishuu, Naruto/Sasuke/Sakura, on adding Sai.

* * *

"Fuck him if you want, goddamn it! I told you I don't care. Why should I care?"

Naruto snorted. "Oh, please, it's so obvious you care a ton."

"I don't. Go fuck him. He sure begs for it enough."

Sakura frowned sternly. "Sasuke-kun, I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention the way he dresses again. He feels more comfortable like that -- alright, it's weird, but it's his right."

"Even Yamanaka doesn't bare so much midriff, and you're telling me it's just personal preference?" he retorted with a scowl.

Naruto chortled, breaking Sasuke and Sakura's staring contest. "Oh, Sasuke. You so want him."

"... What."

"You're fixated on his midriff. Fixated! Even _I_ stopped thinking about it like ten seconds after I met him. But you! Hah. It's like you can't get enough of his sexy man-hips, you can't help staring."

"It's _horror_," Sasuke informed him through gritted teeth.

Naruto kept smirking in a knowing way and didn't bother answering. Sasuke turned his back on him, on them both.

"... Fuck you. Go have sex with him if you want him so much, I don't get why you're even asking me. We're teammates with benefits, not married."

Sakura threw her hands in the air and raged. "Because we love you more than we love Sai and we always will! And he's _nothing _like you and we know that -- better than you do! We love him because he's Sai, and we love you because you're Sasuke, and it's not 'just sex' with either of you! And we're not fucking teammates with benefits, Sasuke, we're your lovers, and if you belittle it again I swear I'll punch you!"

Sasuke stood in silence, jaw clenching, trying to work through his conflicting emotions.

"... I love you, Sasuke. Naruto loves you too. That's never going to stop. Not even if you went away for twenty years. You know that, right?"

He bowed his head, hair hanging in his eyes, still with his back on her. "... Mnh."

"And nothing could replace you. I wasn't trying to replace you when I got with Naruto. You didn't have a problem with that, did you?"

"Mmh."

"So why do you think we would replace you with Sai? You know he's nothing like you. He's awkward, and gentle, and... really kind of weird, in a way that is totally not Sasuke."

"Also, he actually smiles," Naruto piped up. "Even if it always looks kinda freaky."

Sasuke sighed and threw up his hands. "Fine, damn it."

"... So we can date him?"

"_Yes_," Sasuke growled sulkily.

Sakura beamed. "Great! Let's go this saturday. You're free, Sasuke-kun, right?"

"--Hey, wait, I said you could, I didn't say I would!"

Naruto threw an arm around Sasuke's shoulders and hugged him roughly. "Too late! Because you know, we're gonna date him as a team or not at all."

Sakura nodded and stepped up to his other side to take his hand. "I agree. Just the two of us would be too much like cheating. But if you're there, then it will be fine. We're not asking you to become his best friend, just... We won't do that behind your back."

Sasuke let out a sigh, relenting. "... Alright. Alright. Let's try."

Sakura grinned brightly and kissed him on the corner of his lips quicky. Naruto grinned and nuzzled his hair. Sasuke pretended the affection annoyed him, but didn't try to break away.

"Just, can you do me a favor?" Naruto asked.

"... Maybe."

"Kiss him. With tongue. I betcha Sakura-chan creams her shorts."


	39. SakuraHinata fanservice

For my dialogue meme on LJ, "Sakura/Hinata, boobs" for Valles Uf. Total fanservice ftw!

* * *

"--Um."

Hinata blinked up at Sakura, and then blinked down at where Sakura was staring -- Hinata's hands, disappearing up her own shirt. "Ah."

"Am I bothering you?" Sakura asked with a strange look on her face.

Hinata blushed beet red and tore her hands out of her t-shirt. "No! No, I wasn't -- Sakura-san! I wouldn't, it's a locker room -- I would _never_...!"

Sakura giggled behind her hand and stepped in the locker room, closing the door behind her. "I was just teasing you. You didn't look like you were having much fun anyway. Bra problems?"

"Not really, I was just -- I mean -- it aches." Hinata sighed and gave the underside of her breast a discreet rub. "I've been sore all week..."

Sakura opened a locker beside Hinata's and undid the buckles on the side of her skirt. "Your period?"

"No, no..." Hinata blushed in embarrassment and twirled a lock of hair around her finger.

Sakura gave her a frank, matter-of-fact look. "Did you get hit in the chest? I could take a look," she offered, taking a step closer.

"No hitting, it was just... We've been doing a lot of tree-running recently."

Sakura tilted her head, not getting the hint that Hinata had thought obvious.

"And, um, well. It was a lot of jumping. And... bouncing. And my bras are good, but there are limits to..."

"--Oh." Sakura muttered under her breath, "Never had that problem," sounding vaguely envious.

Hinata hung her head. "So, it's nothing to worry about. It'll pass."

"Yeah, until tomorrow when you have to bounce up and down trees again," Sakura said dryly.

"Well... I just have to get used to it, I guess. I mean, it isn't like they will get any smaller anyway -- um. Sakura-san?"

Sakura had just stepped behind her and tugged Hinata's shirt up over her chest. Hinata eeped.

"It's not as if you'd gotten kicked, but it's still cumulative stress the tissues don't need," she informed Hinata, green-glowing hands coming around to hover by Hinata's ribs just under her breasts. "I'll see what I can do, okay?"

Blushing, Hinata lifted her arms out of the way as the green chakra seeped into her skin, evacuating tension and stress toxins she hadn't even been aware were piling up. Peering over Hinata's shoulder, Sakura slid her hands up, curving them, still not quite touching the skin.

"Hm, starting to develop micro-tears here. That's not good, Hinata-san. Have you tried bandages?"

"I have to pull them on really tight if I want them to do anything, and then it hurts -- ah."

Sakura tilted her head and regarded the stiffening nipple brushing against her palm with detached attention. Hinata's face caught on fire.

"... You know, if I want my chakra to penetrate all the way through, I only see one solution."

Sakura cupped Hinata's breasts from underneath, lifting them up. Hinata fought not to squirm.

"--Whoa."

"W-what is it?"

Sakura giggled suddenly, a grin breaking out of her professional expression. "Aheh, nothing, it's just that I never realized how _heavy_ they were." She massaged them gently, chakra seeping deeper still. Hinata bit her lip. "I know my body type is supposedly more practical, but with a teacher like Tsunade-sama it's hard to really believe it, you know? I mean, she doesn't use a bra at _all_ and until now I'd never realized how strange it really was."

"Well -- she's a great healer," Hinata said.

Sakura gave a little amused snort. "Yes, she'd have to be."

Hinata turned her head a little to offer Sakura a smile, and shivered when Sakura's breath ghosted across her lips. Sakura smiled back, and then glanced down, a little chagrined. Then she lifted Hinata's breasts again, pressing them together gently.

"... Do you mind if I pretend I actually have cleavage a little bit longer?"

Hinata closed her eyes. "... No, it's okay," she said, and leaned back against Sakura's slender body just a tiny bit.


	40. ten drabbles x three, narusasusaku

_In response to a challenge, "Write 10 different categories of fic, in as few words as possible." I did Naruto/Sasuke, Sasuke/Sakura and Naruto/Sakura. (I fail at short, btw.)  
Warning, one of the categories is "smut". _

* * *

**NaruSasu**

1. **Angst**:  
"You -- I'm... sorry but -- you're like my _brother_, I never thought of you like _that._"

2. **AU**:  
"Because _I'm_ the enforcer of the Konoha pack, asshole!"  
A growl rising in his throat, Sasuke starts circling the other alpha, body tense, black fur bristled. "Yeah? Not for long."

3. **Crack**:  
"... but what do you mean you've always been a girl? You can't be a girl, you're my RIVAL!"  
As Yamato cringed, Sasuke and Sakura declared a temporary alliance to fix that little misconception.

4. **Crossover**:  
"My, my, Honored Grandfather," Kurama purred; "Whatever happened to you?"  
Naruto blinked at the pretty redhead in confused interest. "Do I know you?"

5. **First Time**:  
After their accidental kiss Sasuke checked his mouth for wobbly teeth, in case Naruto had knocked one loose. There weren't any, but there was a bruised area on the inside of his lower lip.  
He kept tonguing it at odd times until it healed.

6. **Fluff**:  
Sasuke gave a half-awake grunt and frowned blearily at his boyfriend. "If I buy you a duck plushie, will you leave my hair alone?"  
Naruto pretended to think about it. "Hmm... Nope." He started petting the back of Sasuke's head again. "You're the only duckbutt I'll ever want. At least in bed. -- Ow."

7. **Humor**:  
-snrk.-  
"Stop laughing."  
-pfft.- "I'm not."  
"Yeah right. I'll punch you if that smile gets any wider!"  
"Oh, don't damage your magnificent leaves on my behalf, dandelion-san."  
Naruto tugged at the edge of his crown of fake petals and kicked Sasuke with a root-like shoe. "Yeah, laugh it up, Prince Dickhead. I'm not the one with the onstage kiss."

8. **Hurt/Comfort**:  
Sasuke stared down at their linked hands, slick with blood, caught in a white-knuckled grip around each other. The canyon still yawned beneath them, but the ledge was sturdy.  
"You can let go now," Sasuke said. He was trying for dry; it came out toneless.  
Naruto closed his eyes. "I will if you will."  
Neither of them did.

9. **Smut**:  
They can't come to an agreement. So their first time is on the training field where their tenth spar ended in a draw.  
Rough bark bites into Naruto's shoulder blades as Sasuke moves between his thighs. It takes him five thrusts before he gets used to it and can concentrate enough to finish the hand seal he's shaping around Sasuke's back.  
His twin joins them, mouthing Sasuke's seal as Naruto tugs on Sasuke's head to pull their mouths together, filling him like Sasuke fills Naruto.  
The clone explodes when he comes, and Sasuke laughs rough and mean in his neck and whispers things about Naruto's endurance.  
He sings another tune after Naruto's tenth Bunshin has had his turn.

10. **UST: (unresolved sexual tension)**  
"...Since when does he wear kimono anyway, huh Sakura-chan?"  
"Ehh. It's not a bad look on him."  
"It's indecent! It's -- I saw a _nipple_!"  
Sakura perked up, delighted. "So you did? Lucky. They're nice nipples, aren't they?"  
"I guess they're not b- SAKURA-CHAAAN!"

* * *

**SasuSaku**

1. **Angst**:  
"What do you love more, Sasuke?! Me, or my ability to bear you children?!"  
There was no answer. It was answer enough.

2. **AU**:  
Sakurai Haru-kun was in love with Uchiha Satsuki from the very first day. But from the day she slipped through his guard and landed a punch on his jaw that threw ass-first in the mud and made him the laughingstock of his male peers, he decided she would be his rival too.  
It took him seven years, but the day he won he asked her out on a date.  
The next day she won again, but after that she said yes.

3. **Crack**:  
"... Sakura, leave my nailpolish alone."

4. **Crossover**:  
Perhaps it was because they were two in the snake's mouth -- Sasuke tightly wrapped around Sakura's limp body, cursing himself for the impulse that made him grab her, the inability to let her die -- but when they materialized again and he crawled past his summon's teeth it was nowhere he'd ever been. Vaulted ceilings, damp air, grey stone. There was another dead serpent, though, big as Manda -- dead and rotting, and a large stain of blood and ink on the old stone floor.

5. **First Time**:  
A soft chuckle. "Don't worry. I'll be gentle."  
Sasuke growled in outrage and pressed Sakura against the wall. "That's my line."

6. **Fluff**:  
"... Do I really have to say it?" Sasuke said.  
Sakura planted a fist on her hip and cocked her chin, a wide smirk on her face. "Yes."  
"Fine." A sigh. "You've gotten strong, Sakura."  
He rubbed the bruise on his jaw, half-sulking and half-rueful. She reached up to it, and he leaned into her hand with a little sigh.  
"Yes, deep and large; it's a nice bruise indeed," she said with professional appreciation.  
"I'll vouch on the depth of it," he muttered. It twinged every time he opened his mouth.  
Sakura leaned in and dropped a smug little kiss on his mouth. "I'm not healing it, by the way."  
Sasuke growled half-heartedly. He guessed she deserved to brag for a little while.  
"...As long as you don't heal those either," he said. Then he wrapped an arm around her waist to reel her in and left bite marks on her shoulder.

7. **Humor**:  
"Sasuke-kun, you know I love you. Don't you?"  
Sprawled on his back, Sasuke blinked up at Sakura, vaguely embarrassed and somewhat puzzled. Her tone had been... strange. Then she was straddling his hips, which was a little distracting.  
"I would do anything for you... But if you destroy my silk panties again, I will _end_ you."  
She shifted in his lap. "Mm-hmm," he hummed with a hint of smugness, hands traveling up her thighs.  
Sakura leaned down, so that her hair fell against his cheeks like a curtain, and her voice turned into a purr. "Do you want to know how I will end you? I will take those destroyed panties..."  
"Mmm?"  
"... And _wrap them around your neck and strangle you to death_."  
"--gghk."  
She grinned at him with disturbing cheerfulness. "But I'm sure it won't happen again, dearest! After all, it was an accident."  
"-can't breathe-"  
"Yes, that's an accident too."

8. **Hurt/Comfort**:  
Sakura stood at his side as he lit the incense, staring ahead so she wouldn't see any wetness in her husband's eyes.  
When they went home she draped herself against his back and she didn't say anything, so he could keep pretending she didn't know he was crying.

9. **Smut**:  
She dug her hands in his hair, took fistfuls of thick inky locks, and she pulled his head back. He was gorgeous, throat arched -- offered -- eyes dark with an intensity that went past desire straight into need.  
She kissed him with bruising force and pushed herself all the way down.

10. **UST**:  
He'd noticed she had grown up, slender and quick, long white legs, perky breasts, but he didn't start actively wanting her until she planted a boot in the middle of his chest and slammed him through two feet of concrete. Standing over him with the sun behind her head, he could see nothing but strength and pride and that skirt slowly fluttering down.

* * *

**NaruSaku**

1. **Angst**:  
"I've been trying my best, but I still miss him. I can't just --"  
"Me too."  
"I think... I think I always will."  
"Me too."  
"...You're the only one who understands, Sakura-chan."

2. **AU**:  
"Whatcha readin'?"  
Sakura eyed the blond stranger who'd slipped in her cafe booth. She didn't feel like being rude today, so she tilted up the cover of his book to show him. He laughed when he read the title. He had nice blue eyes, she noticed, and his laughter held no malice at all.  
"Vampire chick lit? Really?"  
"Hey, it's great for escapism," she retorted, only a little defensive.  
"I'm sure real vampires think so. All that hype about silken shirts and raven locks and alaba-something skin..."  
"Oh-ho, someone's a connoisseur in vampire chick lit, I see."  
He flailed his hands quickly, horrified and amused in equal measures. "I was just curious about them! And the ones with wild tormented artists and gold-hearted hustlers and CEOs who are so successful they can afford to go a-courting all day. I bet it gives real vampire CEOs hives."  
"That's exactly why they're so fun to read," Sakura replied, grinning until her sharp, white fangs showed.

3. **Crack**:  
"... Okay. Tell me again how you broke your penis and then I'll see whether I feel like fixing it."

4. **Crossover**:  
"A-are you a Slayer?" the stranger asked, eyes wide with shock.  
Sakura tilted her head in confusion. "Not to my knowledge." Then she punched him through the chest and watched him burst into dust just like the first assailant had.  
Naruto sneezed. "Weirdest bloodline ever."

5. **First Time**:  
"You broke my bed," she muttered, voice blank with utter disbelief.  
Naruto grinned sheepishly and bounced a couple of times. "Mattress is still good!"  
The mattress started listing to the side with little warning. Sakura slipped along the sheets until she collided with him; the light impact finished shoving Naruto down, and then they spent a minute or so squirming against each other and trying to straighten up. She pushed herself up on her arms in the end, but he didn't. He was trapped there, she realized, between the wall and the tilted mattress, tangled in the sheets, hindered by her weight.  
"You broke my bed," Sakura repeated with dangerous softness.  
She sat up across his hips and growled down, "You're going to pay me back, and you're going to pay me now. I swear Naruto, the only way you'll leave my room alive is if you leave me too exhausted to kill you."

6. **Fluff**:  
"Say AAH," Sakura instructed.  
Naruto was torn. Sakura-chan feeding him! ... Asparagus.  
In the end he opened his mouth and swallowed, of course.

7. **Humor**:  
"... That Kakashi plushie is the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life."  
"Sakura-chan, it's not a plushie! It's a TARGET!"  
"So now you sleep with your targets? That's going to look nice on your ANBU sheet."

8. **Hurt/Comfort**:  
"It's okay Naruto, it's okay, I'll have you free in a minute -- just don't move, it'll be okay--"  
He chuckles, rough and pained. "Yeah. S'okay. You're the best healer in the world. The hottest, too."  
"Are you _flirting_?! It's really not the moment--"  
"...Heh. 's the best moment!" Bloodstained grin. "Like you better angry than scared."

9. **Smut**:  
When she sees an hourglass figure and hip-length gold hair amongst the women reaching the hot springs, she stiffens, and her hand instinctively feels around for something to throw. But then she sees he's not looking right or left; he's just looking at her. His full lips curve into a secretive smirk as he slips in the water beside her. Sakura sinks to her chin in the bubbling water and glares for all she's worth. It's too late to make a scene, sadly enough.  
Then long legs tangle with hers and a hand wanders up her inner thigh, and she closes her eyes and tells herself the red of her face will be attributed to the water, and no one can see anything past the bubbles anyway.  
She spreads her knees and smooths away all facial expression. It's too late to make a scene, after all.

10. **UST**:  
She doesn't see him as a man. She knows he is. But he's not 'a man', he's 'Naruto'. Silly, annoying, steadfast, funny. Adjectives for a brother, maybe. For a teammate, a best buddy.  
His body cuts through the waterfall like he barely notices its strength, tons of water breaking open on his shoulders. His flat, darkened hair doesn't take attention from his widening jaw anymore -- or from his neck, his wide shoulders, his defined body.  
She pretends her nipples have tightened with painful swiftness only because of the spray and the wind. But she's not cold, not cold at all, and it has little to do with the sun and a lot more with the way Naruto's bare arms rise overhead to punch through the waterfall again.

* * *

Crossovers were Yuyu Hakusho, Harry Potter, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer.


	41. Sakura and the Axe, gen, creepy AU

_Should have posted this ages ago, I don't know why I forgot.  
About 550 words of post-apocalyptic!AU Sakura. And no, I'm not writing a sequel! D: _

* * *

**Sakura and the Axe**

The axe, she had found on a wood pile beside Mr. Sarutobi's house.

She was at his house because Asuma Sarutobi was a good teacher, and because sometimes Ino babysat for him and she hadn't found Ino yet. She'd found the wood pile because when she walked inside the house to check for survivors the smell of rotten meat caught her by the throat and after that she had to run out through the kitchen door. And she needed something to climb, and there were only trees with high branches and smooth trunks to choose from, and the chopped wood pile, which wasn't high enough.

It wasn't high enough. It wasn't even quite steep enough, apparently.

But up there was the axe, still stuck in a half-splintered log, where Mr. Sarutobi had left it. When Mrs. Sarutobi started crawling up the edge after her it was like the axe's handle just appeared in her hand. She swung without thought, log and all. Sort of like tennis. The strain didn't even hurt right away.

On the upside, when Mrs. Sarutobi crashed to the ground, jaw smashed, pretty head askew, the log flew off as well. The shock almost jarred the handle out of her hand, unbalancing her. She jumped off the pile rather than drop it, landed a little wrong and ended up on her knee.

Mrs. Sarutobi's fingers skittered on the ground, reached for her ankle.

She still had the axe in hand.

It was a good axe - the most basic log-splitter, and adapted to Mr. Sarutobi's imposing size - heavy. But recently sharpened. She swung it down.

A second time. A third. Until the pieces stopped crawling.

Then she went back inside the house, because Ino had loved babysitting that kid, and someone needed to chop him up before he managed to crawl his way out of the baby pen.

When the car screeched to a stop in front of the house a half-hour later she was sitting on the porch, a backpack of stolen food and random odds and ends at her feet. She watched her classmates burst out - Naruto first, with a baseball bat. Sasuke snapped an order at him and hung back, tracking her with his competition rifle.

She nodded a greeting. "Hey."

If Ino had been here they would have both grinned and jumped up, bypassed Naruto entirely, raced to him. Told him how they'd been so scared, thank god he was there, they felt so much safer now. Asked since when did Sasuke drive and oh, such a cool car, can we...? She couldn't bring herself to go through the motions right now.

Ino wasn't here.

Sasuke's rifle went down. Naruto was already in her face, staring at the dry blood splashed all up her arm and cheek, paler than she had ever seen him.

"Are you okay? Were you bitten?"

"Damn it, we were supposed to stay all together for a reason!"

She watched them. She'd worried them both, silly little girl running from the group alone, with no protection. She could have died. Or worse. Did she understand that?

She had understood from the start - intellectually, at least. She was smart, she'd always had had a good imagination. Now she understood it even better.

She'd do it again. Ino wasn't here.

She kept tracing her hand back and forth on the axe's long handle, where it rested across her lap. The wood was warm under her hand.


	42. SaiSasu, Crowd Pleaser

Kissing meme prompt: **Sai/Sasuke, crowd pleaser**, for **ph34r_t3h_qu33n**.

* * *

"Right!" Sai said with a bright, fake grin. "Sasuke-kun, please hold still!"

Sasuke had held his ground in front of Madara and Kabuto and who knew what else without flinching. He didn't gut Sai with the wakizashi he had stashed up his kimono sleeve. But when the other young man put a hand on his knee and leaned in, suddenly Sasuke found himself thinking of all the times he'd refused to flinch before Orochimaru.

Because Sasuke was pretty sure those veiled eyes and that parted mouth weren't preludes to stabbing. For one thing, if Sai had wanted him stabbed, he'd have done it a while ago. But it would make Naruto and Sakura sad, so he hadn't.

"Explain," Sasuke hissed whisper-soft against Sai's lips. Sai's fake grin briefly turned real, cutting.

"We need a distraction, of course."

By the way the courtiers and servants were starting to slow down and glance their way instead of going their ways through the castle's courtyard, they seemed distracted alright. But in a way that got the two of them a bit too much attention.

Neither Sasuke's nor Sai's kimono was all that clean, or new; they were patched up, threadbare in places, barely knee-length as they went without hakama and barefooted, as befitted a pair of refugees. Nevertheless Sasuke knew what they looked like, the both of them. Classical traits, dark eyes, dark hair, the palest skin. And now Sai was on his knees and one hand, leaning into him like...

Like they were destitute samurai, maybe run away from some faraway, war-torn place, that had been the original mission briefing, but now there was another layer on it.

Like Sasuke was Sai's elder in the ways of Shudo, but by a year or two only, both beautiful youths to be taken in hand by an older master to be taught warcraft and poetry, the arts of the blade and the bedroom both.

Sasuke let his own eyelids drop, shadowing his eyes, so they looked pensive and slightly inviting instead of the glare he wanted to use, and then he kissed back, cupping the back of Sai's head (I could break your neck) even as he slowly, steadily deepened the kiss, a sempai both teaching and reassuring his kouhai.

He broke away after a few lazy, tender seconds, pressed their foreheads together, whispered, "Do not improvise on me that way again."

"Not much of a choice," Sai replied with a bright little laugh, one that didn't warm up his eyes any. "I meant that Kitsune needed a distraction. But the fox has fled now, so I guess all is well!"

Sasuke caressed the back of his head, down to his neck, gave a little squeeze. (So easy to kill you.) Sai chuckled and sat too close, his head on Sasuke's shoulder, so that Sasuke's hand slid across his shoulders and his sleeve draped on Sai's back, warmth and protection, so that Sai's hidden hand rested on Sasuke's heart from the back where one needle would go right through the ribs.

When they looked up the Daimyo himself stood before them, decked in rich layers and intricate armor, two swords at his belt, watching them with a hunger Sasuke could have recognized blindfolded, the way it tainted the air all around. Even as he was hurrying into a low bow he didn't miss the faint, satisfied, _real _smile on Sai's face at having successfully harpooned the target's interest.

Sasuke had a feeling there would be a lot more mutual kissing in their immediate future.

"Ugly will be furious that her stupidly colored hair barred her from this mission," Sai mused under his breath as they were ushered through the last gate, into the inner sanctuary. Sasuke refused to ask. Not even when Sai caught his hand and laced their fingers together like a younger boy scared of the dark.

The Shudo thing did mean they had a lot of leeway to whisper intel to each other under the guise of cuddling. Sasuke made note to burn Sakura's books when he came back, because Sai didn't know quite enough yet about human interaction to come up with it with no prompting on the spot, and sure as fuck this trick was copied straight from The Samurai And The Kunoichi.

* * *

_Shudo was a samurai tradition very similar to the ancient Greeks' practice of having an adult man teach everything about life to an adolescent boy, be it politics or sex, as they considered women not to be as pure-minded/smart/whatever else that made them unworthy of having important, meaningful bonds with. (funnily enough it's also called hagakure, or "hidden in the leaves". XD)_


End file.
